Holiday Special
by eMu3
Summary: “Jesus Aya, it’s not gonna come off if we don’t pull it!” Ken snapped.
1. Default Chapter

"Has anyone seen Nagi?" Schuldig demanded.  
  
"I wouldn't help you even if I knew. Besides, isn't he supposed to be in school?" Crawford asked.  
  
"School! Of course! Thanks fearless leader!" Schuldig called as he bolted from the apartment.  
  
Farfarello stared at Crawford in surprise. "Why did you help him?"  
  
"I honestly didn't think it would help him to let him know the fourteen year old would be at school at noon. Should we stop him?" Crawford mused.  
  
"Candy…no. I like this plan." Farfarello decided. "Speaking of candy…your stash for the trick or treaters…maybe you should let me know where it is, so I can help you protect it from Schuldig. He's the one who ate all the candy last year."  
  
"Yeah, we still aren't buying that one. Especially not after the ten pounds you gained during the holiday season." Crawford snapped.  
  
"That was Thanksgiving and Christmas weight! Egg nog Crawford, egg nog!"  
  
"Right."  
  
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"Oh dear. Naoe, they need to see you in the office right away dear. I'm afraid it's terrible news." Miazawa-sensei said nervously.  
  
"I'm moving?" Nagi asked hopefully.  
  
"No dear. To the office, they'll explain everything there." Miazawa-sensei answered.  
  
Nagi set off for the office, running through pleasant options of this 'tragedy'.  
  
'We're sorry Nagi, your guardian Schuldig passed away. He got hit by a fruity pebbles truck.'  
  
'Your friend Schuldig has been selected as a sacrifice to the ancient gods of ass rape.'  
  
'Schuldig's been kidnapped, his life is now in your hands.'  
  
'Schuldig has a fatal disease. He has cancer of the rectum.'  
  
A dazed smile on his face, Nagi entered the office, mentally chanting 'heart attack, death, disease, death, death, death, death-'  
  
"Oh he's here. Sit down dear, I have some bad news." The guidance counselor said sweetly. "One of your guardians just-"  
  
"Yes! He's dead, isn't he? He's finally dead?!" Nagi yelled, pumping his arm in the air.  
  
"No dear, it's okay. He's not dead, none of your guardians are dead. It's your grandmother. I've been told you were very close-"  
  
"I don't have a grandmother. I haven't seen my real family since I was four, that's why I'm living with three gaijin." Nagi said quickly. He had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. He'd been called out of school before for zany schemes, and it was awfully close to Halloween.  
  
"He was right, the boy is a chronic liar." The guidance counselor muttered. "Your brother's on his way to pick you up."  
  
"I don't have a brother." Nagi said fearfully, knowing full well that meant Schuldig was coming to do something awful to him.  
  
"Oh honey, I know you're upset right now, and I know that you've disowned your family recently, but in this time of tragedy you really need to pull together and help each other-"  
  
"I really don't have a brother!" Nagi insisted. "You're not listening to me, I have no brother. I live with three foreigners who make my life hell!"  
  
"Help each other heal. It's a time for healing, for grieving. And for strength. And love."  
  
"I don't have a brother! You can't legally release me to his care."  
  
"Sure she can, I brought papers." Schuldig announced upon entering the room. "C'mon Nagi-chan, we need to identify the old biddy at the morgue."  
  
"He's lying!" Nagi insisted. "He's not my brother! He's German, I'm Japanese! We're not related!"  
  
"It's okay Nagi, no need to hide your tears." Schuldig insisted, dragging Nagi from the room with the guise of a comforting hug. The guidance counselor waved them goodbye while Schuldig dragged Nagi through the halls.  
  
"Help! I'm being kidnapped!" Nagi screamed. A few heads poked out of classroom doors, saw the crazy trannie, and then went back to their studies.  
  
When they passed by Omi's classroom and Nagi's screams turned into yet another constant wail of displeasure, it caught Omi's attention.  
  
"I'd know that wail anywhere. Yubari-sensei, I need to go to the bathroom!" Omi announced, running into the hallway.  
  
"Drop that chibi!" Omi ordered, brandishing some sharpened pencils like he would have his darts if he'd been allowed to bring them to school with him. Oh sure, poison one homophobic bully and then you're never allowed to bring personal protection again.  
  
"You gonna stop me?" Schuldig asked. "With…pencils?"  
  
"I know it's hardly intimidating, but I can give you lead poisoning!" Omi shouted, hoping Schuldig wasn't aware that pencils were no longer manufactured with lead.  
  
Telepath. Schuldig reminded him.  
  
"Crap. Well I can still take your eye out!" Omi threatened.  
  
Schuldig put on his sunglasses. "Problem solved. If you'll excuse me, we have a costume shop to get to."  
  
"Omi please! Just go now, don't let him get you too!" Nagi pleaded.  
  
Omi lunged forward and latched onto Schuldig's side, biting his free arm.  
  
"Ow! Hey, stop that!"  
  
Let my boyfriend go you bastard! Omi would have said it aloud, but he had quite a bit of hideous green jacket in his mouth.  
  
"Never! I wants candy!" Schuldig shouted, attempting to scrape Omi off along one of the lockers.  
  
"Then buy some you cheap bastard!" Nagi yelled.  
  
"But free tastes so much better! Especially when it was gathered with humiliation and pain…" Schuldig smiled.  
  
A realization dawned on Omi, and he stopped biting Schuldig's arm. "This…isn't over…trick or treating, is it?"  
  
Nagi's face went bright red.  
  
"He's being Piglet this year!" Schuldig answered jovially.  
  
"You still trick or treat?" Omi asked.  
  
"It's not by choice!" Nagi screeched. "I don't wanna…I'm too old…"  
  
"No one can tell you're too old. Except the damn cops, now c'mon! We need to get a Piglet costume."  
  
"The cops can't tell, they just know I'm being kidnapped!" Nagi insisted, kicking Schuldig in the shin.  
  
"Nagi…I thought you were going to that Halloween party with me." Omi said sadly.  
  
"See? I have other plans! You can't make me!" Nagi shouted, ducking behind Omi fearfully. "Why don't you take Farf? He's criminally insane, people will give him free things. Besides, he really likes Halloween."  
  
"Kid. You're going trick or treating. Like you did last year, and the year before that, and every year you've been a part of this team."  
  
"But…but Sada's throwing a really good party. And, and it's going to be fun. Can't Nagi go to the party?" Omi asked sweetly.  
  
"You had one date, that's enough. He'll die from too much happiness, kid's not used to it. It'll explode his little shriveled heart." Schuldig rationalized.  
  
Nagi faced him with puppy dog eyes. "Don't make me do it…" He whimpered.  
  
Schuldig backed away fearfully. He turned an accusing glare on Omi. "You infected him with your cute!"  
  
"Yeah, I taught him everything I know." Omi answered sweetly, and then flashed his own mastered puppy dog eyes. Schuldig covered his eyes, cowering in a corner.  
  
"Fine! Take him! I give up!" Schuldig exclaimed.  
  
"Yay! Thank you Schu-schu-kun!" Omi said happily.  
  
"I can't believe that worked." Nagi said in amazement.  
  
TWENTY MINUTES LATER  
  
Schuldig whistled happily as he dragged Nagi towards his car, Nagi who was struggling from the inside of a potato sack wailing something about air and needing some.  
  
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"Aya? Can I borrow your katana for a minute?" Yohji asked pleasantly.  
  
Aya raised an eyebrow. "Why?"  
  
"Er…well you borrowed my razor wire that time. Can't you return the favor?" Yohji asked, avoiding the question skillfully.  
  
"Why do you reek of pumpkin innards?" Aya questioned.  
  
"…"  
  
"You're not using my katana to carve a jack-o-lantern. Get a kitchen knife."  
  
"But then I'd have to do dishes, they're all covered in crusty old food. Ken's got dishes duty this week, remember?" Yohji whined.  
  
"No. You're not using my katana to carve a pumpkin." Aya snapped.  
  
Yohji left the room, muttering angrily.  
  
Meanwhile, Aya contemplated how he himself was going to carve that pumpkin for Aya-chan's room. He certainly didn't want to do the dishes when they'd been sitting in the sink for four days…  
  
A few minutes later he was having a horrid time trying to do detail work on a tiny pumpkin with his katana, constantly smacking himself in the head with the hilt.  
  
Downstairs Ken was on his fifth jack-o-lantern for the store window with his bugnucks. He may have been shit for the floral arrangements, but he was very good at carving jack-o-lanterns. He decided to make his next one into a haunted house.  
  
Yohji was poking at his with a plastic knife. He'd already snapped four knives in half. His wire was good for something though. He'd cut the top off easily enough.  
  
"Ken do the dishes." Yohji growled.  
  
"Break the dishes?" Ken asked pleasantly. "Besides, I'm doing work. This is the most productive I've ever been. I love Halloween."  
  
"It's your job to do dishes this week!" Yohji yelled.  
  
"Yeah. You're going to criticize me for being lazy. You were supposed to cook this week!" Ken shouted back.  
  
"I cooked."  
  
"Toaster strudel is not cooking." Ken snapped.  
  
"Neither is ordering pizza! Do the damn dishes!" Yohji snapped back.  
  
"If I wait a little longer Omi will do them." Ken whined.  
  
"Fine. Then man the shop while I go get a pumpkin carving kit." Yohji said as he got up and began the search for his car keys.  
  
"But…but school gets out in four minutes. The shop will be flooded with fan girls and it's Aya's day off. You're not going to leave me alone with them, are you?" Ken asked fearfully.  
  
"Have fun Ken-ken." Yohji answered as he headed out the door.  
  
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Farfarello sat in the doorway to his bedroom, pretending to read Sandman, but the whole time his eye was fixed on Crawford's door. His patience paid off, as Crawford emerged for a bathroom run.

As soon as Crawford was out of sight, Farfarello pounced on the door and attacked it with a credit card until it unlocked. He slipped inside and began searching the room for the candy stash. It wasn't under the bed, in the pillow case, under the mattress, under the bed, in the dresser, in the desk-He was searching the loose floorboard when he heard the toilet flush. Shit, his time was almost up.He hid himself in the closet just as Crawford walked back into his room. Farfarello made a quick sweep of the closet, detected no candy, then sat down to wait. Eventually he might see where Crawford was hiding the goods."Farfarello get out of my closet." Crawford snapped irritably."…"

"I know you're there, now leave."

"You could save us both a lot of trouble by just telling me where the candy is." Farfarello attempted to sound threatening while he said this, but the fact remained he was talking about Halloween candy. Crawford was not impressed.

"That candy is for the neighborhood children. Go read your comic books and hope it rains. Then you can have all the candy you want."

"Rain would be good." Farfarello muttered, already concocting a plan B.  
  
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That's it for now. This fic should be posted in its entirety by Halloween, so I'm thinking another chapter or two. I don't know how many holiday specials I plan on doing, but there'll be at least two a year (for as long as I write with Weiss/Schwartz). Halloween and Christmas. By the way, Chikin helped out with this chapter.


	2. Spooky spook spook

Yohji strolled through the Halloween section of a local department store looking for a pumpkin carving kit. It was the day before Halloween so the store was picked pretty bare, but he finally found a mutilated one under a pile of candy corn. He started strolling towards the general direction of the cash register when he was tackled from behind by an enraged soccer mom.  
  
"I hid that there for my four year old daughter you asshole!" The woman screamed as she wrestled Yohji into a headlock.  
  
"Ack! Just gimme one of the, ack! The knives, we can share it!" Yohji gurgled. She threw him into a display of Styrofoam tombstones.  
  
"Hell no, I need all four of those knives, I've got a party of kids coming in to carve pumpkins in fifteen minutes, and these are safety knives!" The woman shouted. She picked up a plastic axe and held it threateningly.  
  
Yohji kept his grip on the carving kit, but decided to try to talk her down until security got to her.  
  
"C'mon lady, let's be reasonable-"  
  
"Hiya!"  
  
"Ow!" She smacked him in the face with the axe and sent him back into the tombstones. He had a red welt on his face that was stinging like a bitch. He ducked another blow and reached for the first weapon he could find, a severed skeleton hand. He bitch slapped her with it, and she whacked him in the stomach (gak!). He was sent sprawling across the floor, into a display of plastic weapons. He armed himself with a scythe and charged her.  
  
She deflected the blow with her axe, snapping the scythe in half in the process.  
  
"Ai! I'm not paying for that, you are so footing the bill for this, psycho!" Yohji spat.  
  
The woman grunted and charged at him again. He got hold on a plastic sword just in time and deflected her blow.  
  
"Please! No further violence in front of the children!" An innocent bystander screamed.  
  
"I need that kit!" The woman screamed back, spit flying wildly from her mouth.  
  
"All I need is a knife, just one!" Yohji exclaimed.  
  
"They sell the knives individually." A random employee spoke up.  
  
"What?" Yohji and the woman asked.  
  
"The kits are sold out, but the knives are in a big bin by the register." The employee explained, then went back to cleaning up the destroyed tombstone display.  
  
"Well…I feel awkward now." Yohji muttered. The woman gave him a final smack over the back of the head with the axe, yanked the kit out of his hands and stalked towards the registers.  
  
Pride somewhat damaged, Yohji too headed towards the registers, but he'd hardly gone two aisles when he was distracted by a familiar wail. He ducked behind a stack of plastic cauldrons when he caught sight of orange clown hair.  
  
'Shit. Alright, he's not paying attention to me. I can sneak around the other way-'  
  
"Schuldig please, just let me go to the party…You can't make me dress up as Piglet. I'm almost fifteen!" Nagi begged.  
  
"Quiet you! We're here to pick up a costume." Schuldig said to the employee working the costume aisle.  
  
"Yes…we remember that. You're the guy who ordered it four months in advance."  
  
"That's me!"  
  
"Oh my God you're sick."  
  
"Quiet candy vessel." Schuldig snapped.  
  
"Sorry sir, but you missed the pick up deadline. It's the day before Halloween, so we put it back on the floor and someone bought it a few minutes ago."  
  
"But I already paid for it!" Schuldig exclaimed. "I paid a lot of good money for it!"  
  
"Brad paid a lot of good money for it." Nagi muttered. It was a sad fact that Crawford was the only member of Schwartz with funds.  
  
"I'm sorry sir, but you do have store credit now. That is, if you have your receipt." The clerk said in a bored tone.  
  
"But that was in June!" Schuldig yelled. "And I don't recall a receipt!"  
  
"I'm sorry sir. Without a receipt we can't verify that the transaction took place."  
  
"But I gave the money to you!"  
  
"So…does that mean you're calling off this dimwitted scheme?" Nagi asked brightly.  
  
Schuldig glared angrily at the employee, ready to tear her fragile little mind apart, when his eye caught on a Star Wars costume just behind her.  
  
'Jedi mind trick'.  
  
"You will give me another costume of equal or lesser value." Schuldig declared, nudging her mind with his telepathy and waving his hand for emphasis.  
  
"I will give you another costume of equal or lesser value." The employee repeated in a dead voice.  
  
"No! No, fight it! Be strong woman!" Nagi begged.  
  
Meanwhile, Yohji was still frozen to the spot. He weighed the pros and cons of helping Nagi. On the one hand, he was grumpy, sore, and he'd already done his good deed for the day by dethawing the toaster strudel for breakfast. Plus he'd gotten smacked with an axe. On the other hand no doubt Nagi's misery would be reflected on his boyfriend, and that would no doubt come back to bite Yohji in the ass seeing as he had to live with said boyfriend. It was a tough decision.  
  
What did him in was when Nagi started crying as Schuldig attempted to force him to put on a Snow White costume.  
  
"What the fuck are you doing?" Yohji asked, mostly in shock and disgust. He didn't really have a plan on how to help Nagi, it was mostly a reactional thing.  
  
"Hmm?" Schuldig looked up, caught sight of Yohji, and a scowl appeared on his face. "Shopping."  
  
"Waaaah…" Nagi had the Snow White dress stuck over his head with his arms sticking out.  
  
"What are you doing to the kid?" Yohji asked again.  
  
"Helping him get ready for Halloween." Schuldig answered curtly. "He gets very excited this time of year."  
  
"I doubt he wants to go to that party as Snow White." Yohji noted.  
  
"You're right! He doesn't want to go to the party as Snow White! Listen to your fuckbuddy Schu, come on!" Nagi pleaded.  
  
"Never mind, you're on your own." Yohji snapped, heading towards the register.  
  
"Wait!" Nagi freed himself from the Snow White costume and hugged Yohji's knees, making him trip and fall over.  
  
"You're not winning yourself any points here Nagi." Yohji said angrily. "And why don't you just bounce him around with your telekinesis? Why do you let him pick on you?"  
  
"Because if I ever lashed out at him then I would kill him and I'm not allowed to kill him yet." Nagi answered miserably. "Plus he has a tendency to shut down the part of my brain that controls my powers, so I'd have to catch him off guard. And with the whole reading mind things going, he's got a bit of an advantage."  
  
"Right."  
  
"Yohji, this has nothing to do with you. Just buy your knife and leave us alone." Schuldig said.  
  
"Actually, this has a lot to do with me. Nagi's happiness reflects on Omi's happiness, which reflects on my happiness. When Omi's happy, sometimes he takes over our chores, and thusly, when Nagi's happy Omi cooks supper and I get to eat real food!" Yohji explained.  
  
Schuldig was reminded of Farf.  
  
Yohji managed to pry Nagi off of his legs and climb to his feet.  
  
"He wants to make me go trick or treating to both humiliate me and steal my candy. I can't even tell what's worse anymore, Piglet or Snow White…" Nagi mumbled.  
  
"Dude, Snow White's way worse than Piglet. You're a guy. Besides, Piglet's kinda cool. Did you see his movie?" Yohji asked.  
  
"No…I don't watch Whinny the Pooh because I'm not four!" Nagi yelled.  
  
"Why have you seen it?" Schuldig asked Yohji.  
  
"Omi." Yohji answered quickly.  
  
"Ri-i-i-i-i-ght…that's why you cried." Schuldig said mockingly.  
  
"It's…very emotional. Anyway, who are you to judge me? Your existence is so sad and pathetic that you're planning on spending Halloween night forcing a high school kid to go trick or treating for your amusement! Can't you think of anything better to do? Jesus, get a life!" Yohji said disgustedly.  
  
"Right on!" Nagi enthused.  
  
Schuldig had such a withering glare fixed on Yohji. Nagi chose that moment to make a run for it and darted for the nearest exit. Schuldig hardly noticed him leave.  
  
"I see I've struck a nerve." Yohji noted.  
  
"I hate you." Schuldig answered calmly. "Well, if I'm so pathetic then what are you doing for Halloween?"  
  
"I…have to work at the shop…after the shop closes…well whatever I end up doing will still be better than harassing the chibi!" Yohji argued.  
  
A tense silence passed between them.  
  
"I am getting my little safety carving knife, going home and carving a jack-o-lantern. Good day sir." Yohji said stiffly.  
  
"Good bye!" Schuldig called as Yohji turned and left. "Jack ass." He muttered.  
  
"Heard that! Great come back!" Yohji yelled back.  
  
Schuldig angrily shook his fist at the retreating cowboy.  
  
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Farfarello had by this point abandoned subtlety entirely and was now searching the entire house, and doing nothing to hide his actions. Crawford observed silently from his bedroom, amused at Farf's antics. There was no way he was going to find the candy this year. Crawford had gone through too much trouble hiding it this year.  
  
Schuldig entered then, still disgruntled from his encounter with the gay cowboy. He headed towards the kitchen, deciding on cereal and cartoons to calm himself. He opened a cabinet and found Farf inside, digging through the various boxes and bags.  
  
"Fruity pebbles?" Schuldig asked.  
  
"All out."  
  
"Fruit Loops?"  
  
Farf thrust the Fruit Loops at Schuldig and then slammed the cabinet door shut again. Unfazed, Schuldig made his way to the fridge, grabbed the milk, and then sat down on the couch with his faithful Looney Tunes DVD.  
  
Crawford walked into the kitchen as Farfarello was climbing out of the cabinet. "You're not going to find it. Stop wasting your time."  
  
"I won't! It's got to be in the kitchen, I've searched everywhere else too thoroughly!" Farfarello yelped on the verge of hysteria.  
  
Crawford shook his head sadly, and then stood in front of the stove with his arms crossed to watch Farfarello.  
  
"Oh, he's in the stove eh?" Was heard from the TV in the living room.  
  
Farfarello looked at Crawford, at the stove, then at the TV, then at the stove again.  
  
"It's not in this stove." Crawford said.  
  
"Oh, so it's in the stove eh?" Farfarello asked.  
  
"Farfarello, if the candy was in this stove, would I turn on the gas?" Crawford asked, not believing himself as he said it.  
  
"You might Bradley, you might." Farfarello assessed.  
  
"Well would I throw this lighten match in the stove?" Crawford asked.  
  
"No, I suppose you wouldn't-wait, we have an electric stove!" Farfarello yelled, lunging at Crawford to get at the stove.  
  
"Ow, you crazy asshole! It's not in the stove! It's not in the stove! Let go of my ankle! Stop biting me!"  
  
Schuldig was very disturbed as he tried to drown them out by chewing loudly and cranking the volume.  
  
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"Bye guys, I'm off to get Nagi for the Halloween party!" Omi said cheerfully, heading towards the door.  
  
"Wait! Uh…why don't I give you guys a ride?" Yohji offered.  
  
"Why?" Omi asked.  
  
"Er…good deed for the day?" Yohji said unconvincingly.  
  
"Does this have anything to do with Schuldig?" Omi asked curiously.  
  
"Why would it have anything to do with him?" Yohji snapped.  
  
"Ooo…someone's defensive. I don't know. Why would you want to go out of your way to go to his house when you don't have to?" Omi asked.  
  
"To make sure you and Nagi make it to that dance safely! I met up with them yesterday at the store and he was trying to make Nagi put on a Snow White costume." Yohji explained defensively.  
  
"I don't know if you wanna stalk me to another dance considering what happened last time, wait a minute-what happened to Piglet?" Omi asked.  
  
"Sold out." Yohji answered.  
  
Omi frowned. "Fine. You can give us a ride then. Uh…can I ask you a favor?"  
  
"What?" Yohji asked warily.  
  
"Can you keep Schuldig distracted for the night? Not like that!" Omi put in quickly when Yohji looked very offended. "Just, I dunno, irritate him or something! Put a box of fruity pebbles on a fishing line or something. Keep him away from us. When he gets bored he picks at Nagi. That's bad for dates."  
  
"I'll do my best." Yohji agreed. "Without fucking." "Right. Yohji?"  
  
"What? What now?"  
  
"Do you think I lisp with these fangs?" Omi asked worriedly.  
  
"No. And you look fine. Nagi will think you're hot. What are you, anyway?" Yohji asked.  
  
"We're going as Louis and Lestat. Despite the blondness I'm Louis. Nagi said I would make a terrible Lestat."  
  
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Ditching strategy altogether, Farfarello decided that taking Crawford out would somehow lead to candy. Despite the fact that Crawford wasn't impeding his search efforts in the slightest, what with the overconfidence and the oracle abilities.  
  
Those oracle abilities were beginning to be a pain in the ass.  
  
Crawford was walking up the stairwell with the mail, not paying much attention to his surroundings as he made his way up the narrow stairwell.  
  
Farfarello had rigged up a bunch of heavy couch cushions at the top of the stairs, all set to fall when he pulled a rope that would release their bindings, at which point they would topple onto and crush Crawford. He pulled the rope, and nothing happened. They stayed exactly where they were. Frustrated, Farfarello began poking the cushions, then punching them. Crawford passed by, distracted by his credit card bills (and he was completely unaware he owned a Visa card), completely oblivious to his potential cushion-y doom. At this point Farf grabbed a stick and began stabbing the cushions.  
  
He then realized what he was doing as he was standing just below the cushions. They chose that moment to fall and crush him.  
  
Crawford walked back into the apartment, and observed Schuldig on the sofa, where he hadn't moved all morning. At least he was leaving Nagi alone, after that fiasco last Halloween.  
  
Crawford passed through the kitchen, where he paused to read the paper and get himself a glass of juice. Farfarello had crept back inside and set up his second plan, which involved one of Schuldig's speakers that he'd rigged up a battering ram. He held the cord in one hand and waited.  
  
There was a large red X of electrical tape in the center of the kitchen with the newspaper on top of it. Crawford walked over to it and picked up the newspaper, at which point Farfarello released the battering ram. Once he'd gotten the newspaper, Crawford continued to the kitchen paper and the speaker whizzed by him.  
  
Farf poked his head out in anger and indignation, when the speaker snapped back and caught him in the face.  
  
Crawford made a quick scan on the headlines to make sure none of Schwartz was implicated in them, and then relocated to the living room to finish off the paper.  
  
A minute later Farf dazedly entered the living room and stood in front of Schuldig, blocking his sight of the TV.  
  
"Am I okay?" Farfarello asked. The downside of the not feeling pain thing was that he usually had to check to make sure he hadn't caused himself a serious injury.  
  
"Well you've got Sony imprinted on your forehead, but other than that you look fine. Wait, let me check your pupils…I think you might have a minor concussion." Schuldig answered.  
  
"Thanks." Farfarello answered, leaving the room.  
  
Pause.  
  
"Crawford?"  
  
"Mmm?"  
  
"Do you think my life is pathetic?"  
  
"…"  
  
"Well?"  
  
"…"  
  
"Okay I'm getting insulted now!"  
  
"I'm sorry, how should I answer that?"  
  
"…"  
  
"…"  
  
"Well never mind then!"  
  
"What brought this on?" Crawford asked. "And anyway, since when have you ever cared what anyone thought about you or the way you spend your free time? Granted things would be a lot more pleasant if you were more considerate of our feelings-"  
  
"Oh shut up. Wait a minute…Farf! Why do you have Sony imprinted on your forehead!" Schuldig yelled, heading towards Farf's room. He had to pass through the kitchen to get there. Where he found… "My speakers! You're paying for those you psycho!"  
  
"It was like that when I got there!" Farfarello yelled quickly. "I didn't do it! You can't prove anything! It was Crawford!"  
  
They were cut off by a knock on the door. Crawford got up to answer it, when Nagi ran out of his room, through the kitchen and knocked Crawford over in his haste to get to the door first.  
  
"I'm going now, leave me alone, don't wait up, bye!" Nagi shouted, opening the door and darting into the hallway, walking straight into Omi in the process.  
  
"Be in by eleven!" Crawford called after him.  
  
"It's Halloween…" Nagi whined.  
  
"We said eleven last time." Crawford noted.  
  
"That was a school night though." Farfarello interjected.  
"It's Sunday night." Schuldig put in.  
  
"When I was his age I was out way past eleven." Farfarello said.  
  
"And the streets were none the better for it. Eleven thirty." Crawford said.  
  
"Fine, he'll be back by eleven thirty. We have to go now though, because Yohji's waiting in the car." Omi explained, tugging Nagi towards the elevator. The two made their escape, leaving the three remaining Schwartz alone in the apartment.  
  
Schuldig sat very stiffly on the sofa for a moment, drumming his fingers on the arm rest. Crawford rolled his eyes expectantly, and then Schuldig dived off of the couch and ran out the door. He ran back in, ran into his room, and pulled on pants as he hobbled towards the door.  
  
Crawford counted to five on his fingers.  
  
Schuldig ran back in again, grabbed his car keys, and then made his final exit for the night.  
  
"I've got it!" Farfarello exclaimed. Crawford waited. "You didn't buy any candy!"  
  
"No. Farfarello, I did buy candy."  
  
"Then you ate it." Farfarello accused. "Just so I couldn't have any, you ate it all!"  
  
Crawford slapped a hand to his head. "No! Then how would I give it to the trick or treaters?"  
  
"Children are like birds, they like it pre-digested." Farfarello theorized.  
  
Crawford mumbled to himself as he exited the apartment. It was getting close to sunset so he had to go fetch the candy anyway. He was surprised Farfarello made no move to follow him as he headed to the basement.  
  
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One of the perks of living in a very large apartment building was that trick or treaters rarely made the effort to climb the six sets of stairs to get to the Schwartz apartment, so the end of the night found Crawford and Farfarello sleeping in front of the TV, which was playing a Simpson's Halloween special marathon, surrounded by candy wrappers.  
  
Nagi crept in quietly at two in the morning, tip toed past them and quietly made his way to his bedroom, where there was a note on his bed from Crawford with one line:  
  
I saw that coming.  
  
Scowling, Nagi threw the note out and headed towards the bathroom to scrub off his makeup. When he got back into his room, he headed towards his laptop to chat with Omi, and found it padlocked with a post it on it reading:  
  
Grounded.  
  
And then there was Schuldig, who never did come in that night…  
  
THE NEXT MORNING, AT THE KONEKO333333333333333333333  
  
"Dear God not again."  
  
"I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay."  
  
"Will you two shut up in there?!" Aya yelled from the hallway, unwilling to open the door. "Yohji get some pants on, you're opening the shop with me this morning!"  
  
THE END  
  
A/N Happy Halloween! Blessed Samhain and all that jazz. - We're already making plans for the Easter special…mwa ha ha…damn. Christmas comes first. Uh…damn. Oh well. 


	3. high fructose cornsyrup andor sucrose

"Hello, my name is jailbait-Omi! My name is Omi!"

"Is that what people really think of me?"

"That's what Schuldig says." Nagi answered with a shrug. "He also says I'm the perfect size for an armrest. I take what he says with a grain of salt."

The boys were seated at a coffee shop in the food court of the local mall. They'd gone Christmas shopping together, and the previous conversation had started when Nagi cleverly dodged Omi's question about what he wanted for Christmas.

Omi had a good sized armload of presents he'd bought for the rest of Weiss, the GSA at school, his teachers, Momoe, Manx, Persia, Schwartz and boxes of candy canes for the flower shop fan girls. Nagi was still struggling with figuring out who he was going to get presents for.

"Nagi, you haven't bought anything yet. Don't you have anyone to shop for?" Omi asked with a frown.

"Well I can't buy your present while you're here." Nagi answered.

"I mean anyone else? Come on. I bought presents for Schwartz, you've gotta get something for at least one of them."

"I haven't had a good year." Nagi answered defensively. "Let's reflect for a minute on the wonderful things they've done for me. Schuldig-"

"You know you did a lot of things to him too." Omi noted.

"You're defending him?" Nagi said in a low voice.

"Well, uh, yeah you did try to kill him a few times." Omi said awkwardly. Nagi's glare didn't waver. "Fine, Schuldig's a bastard. But what about the others? Farf's a little criminally insane but he's still got a good he-he, well he's still a good…he's adorable. And Crawford…needs a hobby. Get him one of those rug making kits. Less blood and twice the fun!"

"They're probably not even getting me anything anyway." Nagi near-pouted. "Why should I go through the trouble of lugging something home?"

"You're telekinetic! You don't have to lug! And anyway, it's Christmas!" Omi whined.

"Tell that to Farf."

"Nagi-kun…" Omi whined. "Here, I'll help you. Let's think of something to buy Sc-Fa-Crawford. Let's start with Crawford."

"Well what'd you get him?" Nagi asked curiously.

"I don't have it with me. Crawford's present is in my room, which you're not allowed to go in." Omi explained.

"I know, I know. Your roommates threatened me about that already." Nagi answered.

"No, I meant because it's full of Christmas presents." Pause. "They threatened you?"

"Yes. I find it hilarious as well." Nagi answered, thinking about how little damage the Weiss could actually cause him if they were trying.

"Well…it doesn't matter what I get them, what matters is what you get them!" Omi insisted. "Can't you think of anything Nagi-kun?"

"Gift cards?" Nagi suggested lamely.

"You can't get gift cards! They're so impersonal." Omi thought for a minute. "Schuldig should be easy to shop for. Think about his hobbies."

"I could get him a cattle prod to zap me with!" Nagi suggested brightly. Omi frowned.

"He's a couch potato. You could get him a movie or something."

"He has everything he wants already. Every Tuesday he shows up at the mall for new DVD day and buys anything he's interested in. And sometimes things he's not if Crawford's been picking at him that week." Nagi paused. "I could destroy something dear to him and then replace it as a present."

Omi buried his face in his hands, counted to ten and then looked up again with his usual perky smile. "That…might not be the best idea Nagi-kun…but good thinking! Okay, well…okay for Schuldig you can just jump in on my present. Give me some money and I'll put your name on the card."

"What did you get him?" Nagi asked, handing over some money.

"I got him a concert ticket. Incidentally I got Yohji-kun a concert ticket for the seat next to his."

"That is so conniving. And it will make Schuldig miserable. I approve wholeheartedly." Nagi said with an evil grin.

"Do you really think it will make Schu-Schu-kun miserable? I can still return it and get him a better gift-"

"No! It was a joke, he'll love it. It's perfect. He loves gay cowboys." Nagi answered, trying not to laugh.

"I just figured it would be cute to send them on a date." Omi explained. "But neither of them would be willing to go on a date, so I'm sort of forcing them to go."

"There's a slight flaw in your plan. What band are they seeing? I don't think there's anyway to get them to both go to the same concert without them knowing about the other one." Nagi said.

Omi flashed the puppy dog eyes as demonstration. Then he smiled a pretty evil smile for Omi. "Besides, I got the tickets with Schuldig in mind. Yohji'll figure it out. It's cute, he's really got a crush on him so he'll want to go and be glad for the excuse."

"How can anyone have a crush on Schuldig?"

"I don't know, but I support it."

Nagi considered. "The head injury. He had to have gotten a head injury when he got plowed by that ambulance. Or maybe it was the morphine overdose. Maybe he's brain dead."

"Well whatever the explanation, people tend to be easier to get along with when they're in love, so maybe if my evil plan works Schuldig won't be so miserable and he won't devote so much of his time to making you miserable." Omi said, explaining the rest of his plan. "So then Yohji will be distracted, Aya's always distracted and Ken…is Ken. So therefore, we can spend time together at my house without interruption."

"Devious. We need to hook those guys up. Whether they like it or not." Nagi decided firmly.

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"That eggnog was supposed to last until next week at least." Crawford snapped.

Schuldig and Farfarello were lounging in the living room with four empty cartons of eggnog between them.

"Nagi did it." Farf said distractedly, eyes glued to the television.

"You're going to have to slow down on the holiday festivities. No one wants to hire pudgy assassins." Crawford said, kicking aside a few cartons to get to the couch.

"I am not pudgy! I am a well honed machine of death. Can you pass the sugar cookies, they're right next to you." Farf asked pleasantly.

"So what are you watching anyway?" Crawford asked, curious as to what sort of holiday program they could be viewing with Farf in his present state. Typical holiday programming made him sulky, to say the least. He'd liked holiday specials for awhile, but then he'd realized that Christmas was always saved by the end so he'd made a habit of shutting them off partway through.

"A Christmas Story." Schuldig answered. "It's not about Jesus, it's about greed and childhood misery. So it stays."

Crawford kicked another empty carton angrily. "You know, I was hoping that I would be able to enjoy some eggnog when I picked it up."

"There's some left in the bottom of this one. Or you can cut open the carton and lick the sides." Schuldig suggested.

"I'd cut it open for you but I don't have any knives." Farf put in with a false smile.

Crawford glared.

"If you give me your credit card I can go to the store and fetch some after the movie." Schuldig suggested.

"And three seasons of cartoons no one will watch but you." Crawford near-growled.

"Well maybe if you split the funds between all of us instead of hording them-"

"We all know none of you can manage finances for shit! If it wasn't for me Nagi wouldn't have a college fund." Crawford said.

"Nagi has a college fund?" Schuldig asked. "You didn't make college funds for either of us. That's not very considerate. Farf could be a freshman."

"What college could I possibly send Farfarello to?" Crawford asked mockingly.

"Hey!" Farf exclaimed.

"Brown. That place is full of nut jobs." Schuldig suggested.

"Hey!" Farf exclaimed louder, tossing an eggnog carton at Schuldig's head. "I'm sitting right here."

"We're not even supposed to be on this! This is about you drinking all of the fucking eggnog!"

"Is it really about that? Or are you just making it about that? Go ahead Bradley, vent all of your rage on poor innocent little Schuldig, I can take it." Schuldig said with a sniffle for effect.

"No! This is about eggnog and you being a glutton!"

"Ooo…drama."

"Shut up Farf!" Both of them shouted.

"It's not my fault you couldn't find a better hiding place for the eggnog than the kitchen fridge." Schuldig said.

"I bought four gallons of it! I should have gotten at least a glass!"

"An Assassin's Christmas, brought to you by WE, television for women."

"SHUT UP FARF!!" The screamed again.

"What's your obsession with eggnog anyway? Are you on your guy-period? This is bothering you a lot more than stuff usually does." Schuldig noted.

Crawford took a deep, calming breath. The real problem was his credit card had gotten cut earlier that morning when he was shopping for presents, and with the long line behind him he'd almost been lynched. He wasn't doing too well, as managing finances for a group like Schwartz was stressful enough, let alone adding the holiday season into it. They needed more work.

So it really wasn't about the eggnog and he really was just venting. Although a glass would have made him feel a lot better. Just one fucking glass.

"Listen you pudgy bastard-"

"I may be a bastard, but I'm not pudgy!" Schuldig shouted back.

"I got some pudge right here." Farf said, grabbing at Schuldig's belly.

"That's not pudge, that's skin! Get your hands off me!" Schuldig snapped.

"I got some over here too! Pudgy-pudgy-pudgy!" Farfarello said, trailing into giggles.

Nagi had opened the door at that point. He seemed shocked and disturbed for about a second. Then his coping mechanism kicked in and he walked over them to get to his room. He paused at the doorway. "What…?"

"I'm guessing the sugar from four gallons of eggnog kicked in." Crawford noted, as now Farfarello was giggling madly rolling around on the living room carpet and Schuldig's leg was shaking.

Crawford sighed, then began the search for his winter coat. "I give up. I'm going. Don't destroy anything while I'm gone."

"Where are you going Fearless Leader?" Schuldig asked, now poking Farf's sides to make him giggle more.

"I'm gonna pee! Stop it!" Farf pleaded.

"Out." Crawford answered, slamming the door behind him.

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"I can't take this anymore! I'm gonna snap and kill them all." Crawford said miserably. "I'm supposed to be the sane one for them and one man cannot possibly be sane enough to stabilize them."

Aya nodded understandingly. "You always make me feel so much better about my position as team leader of Weiss. Every time I consider the possibility of someone finding Ken's dead body shoved in the freezer of a backwards diner thirty miles from here I manage to chase away the pleasant fantasies with just three minutes of what it would be like to have your job."

"You've been complaining about Hidaka a lot lately." Crawford noted.

"We're not talking about me right now. We're talking about how to keep you from killing your team. Maybe a vacation-"

"Leaving them by themselves." Crawford shot down.

"You could take them-"

"Where? They cause enough damage under the guise of work, let alone a vacation."

"True. But…you left them alone just now, didn't you?" Aya noted.

"Nothing's on the news right now so I'm staying. At any rate Schuldig and Farfarello aren't at their most dangerous anyway." Crawford said bitterly. Aya shot a questioning look. "They're on a four gallon of eggnog sugar high."

"Didn't you just buy that?" Aya asked.

"I know! And I didn't even get a glass!"

"That's not right." Aya said with a frown. "There's some respect for you."

"Tell me about it." Crawford replied.

"Look, I've got some eggnog back at the Koneko if you want a glass."

"It's not even about the eggnog." Crawford whined. "It's that they didn't even think about saving me a glass after maxing out my credit card and draining my bank account."

"Oh God."

"And there was a huge line behind me! I was buying their Christmas presents!"

"What did you do?" Aya asked, looking horrified.

"I threatened the cashier's life. And then she cut my card!"

"Didn't you ask for the manager?"

"She was the manager." Crawford answered.

"So…you don't want eggnog?"

"No, I never said that. I'll take your eggnog."

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Aya and Crawford entered the Weiss house through the side door that lead to the kitchen. They were met with the sight of the refrigerator door open and a trail of empty eggnog cartons leading to the living room. The assassins growled, and then stalked over to the living room.

"Are you sure this is safe Yohji?" Ken asked, snickering.

"You'll be fine." Yohji answered reassuringly, a sugar-high goofy grin on his face.

"I don't know, the tinsel is starting to chafe." Ken answered.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?! I LEFT YOU HERE TO DECORATE THE TREE?! WHERE'S THE BLOODY TREE?!" Aya screamed.

"We came up with a moneysaving idea Aya." Yohji said. "Christmas trees are a lot these days, so we decided to just decorate Ken instead."

"Don't I look pretty?" Ken asked. He was covered in multicolored lights, tinsel, popcorn garland and glass ornaments. He had a pine branch in each hand. "Plug me in Yohji, plug me in!"

"Don't plug him in." Aya growled. "I gave you the money for the tree."

"Yes, but see then we ran out of eggnog and we needed to buy more." Yohji explained. "A cop pulled me over and breathilized me. Then he needed a urine sample for some reason. It was weird. But I passed."

"So. Is there any eggnog left?" Aya asked.

"No. We drank it all!" Ken asked, bouncing up and down.

"Plug him in." Aya said.

"What about the camera A-yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!" Ken wailed as the tinsel melted against the hot, old, and ill cared for Christmas lights. A few of the glass ornaments popped.

"Now that's a beautiful sight." Crawford commented, while Aya searched out the phone to call 911.

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"Okay Omi, the coast is clear!" Nagi hissed.

"Nagi-kun…I don't think this is such a good idea!" Omi whined. "I think someone might notice me scaling the wall of the apartment."

"Don't be silly. I'm going to float you up here."

"But Nagi-kun, I have a problem with hei-EIGHTS!!" Omi squeaked as he was floated into the air. "Nagi, NAGI!! STOPPIT!!"

"They'll notice if you keep screaming!" Nagi called down.

"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die-" Omi whimpered.

"You're breaking my concentration." Nagi threatened. Omi stilled and went silent, but his eyes were wide and traumatized looking as he was floated to Nagi's bedroom window. Nagi helped him inside and shut the window. "That wasn't so bad, now was it?" Nagi asked comfortingly.

Omi opened his mouth and nothing came out for a second, and then he wailed and sat down very rapidly.

"We're never doing that again! We'll just go to my room next time. I'll move the presents somewhere else." Omi whimpered.

"Okay, calm yourself down, I'll be right back." Nagi said quietly. He edged out into the living room, where Farf and Schuldig were still seated in front of the TV, coming down from their sugar high.

"How are you still watching A Christmas Story?" Nagi asked curiously.

"By tinkering with our satellite TV we got American channels. One of the channels runs this movie on repeat for twenty four hours." Schuldig answered.

"Don't change the subject Schu! It's impossible."

"Dude! It's totally possible! There have been cases-"

"I've never seen any!" Farf objected.

"It's a conspiracy, the government covers them up."

"That's your answer for everything! I don't believe you anymore!" Farf argued.

"What are you guys talking about?" Nagi asked.

"Okay, that kid flick gets his tongue stuck to a pole in the movie, and I say it's totally possible and Farf is being a dumbass." Schuldig explained.

"I am not! You can't get your tongue stuck like that! You'd just warm up the frozen part with saliva and it would come off! Only a dumbass like you would get stuck!" Farf objected.

"Well why don't you guys test it?" Nagi asked.

"There aren't any poles nearby. Everything's made of wood." Farf explained. "And after I got a splinter stuck in my tongue we gave up on it."

"There are train tracks behind the house." Nagi informed them.

"Alright…but I'm bringing a camera for proof." Schuldig said.

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Aya and Crawford were at the express lane of the supermarket when a vision came to Crawford that made him drop the gallon of vanilla eggnog he was holding. "Oh God. Ran, I've gotta go."

"See you around Brad."

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"For the love of all things decent STOP!!" Crawford screamed, running as fast as he could towards the train tracks.

Schuldig was on his knees in front of it leaning over with his tongue out. He looked up at Crawford's arrival. Farfarello pushed him forward, and he shot out his hands to stop him as a reaction.

"Keep your tongue in your mouth!" Crawford yelled. "This is an active train track!"

"We knew that. We're not dumb. Farf brought a train schedule." Schuldig explained.

Then they heard a train whistle.

Schuldig jumped away from the tracks. "Are you trying to kill me?!" Schuldig shrieked at Farf.

"No, because it wouldn't have gotten stuck!" Farf insisted. "Besides, I checked the schedule."

"Then what is that train doing there!?" Schuldig demanded.

"Obviously it's either very early. Or very late."

"This schedule is three years old." Crawford said, thrusting the schedule back at Farf.

"You mean they change them?" Farf asked.

"In the house! Now! Morons!" Crawford yelled.

"You don't have to yell-"

"MOVE!!!"

FIVE MINUTES LATER

"Off the couch! Now!"

"I told you it wouldn't work Nagi-kun."

"Can you pass me my pants Brad?"

TBC 


	4. Chibi Christmas Memories

And now, a Christmas memory from Omi.

"Good night Mamoru, sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite."

"Night Mama." Mamoru chirped happily. He clutched his blanky and his teddie and closed his eyes for sleep. Mrs. Takatori beamed at her well behaved son before shutting the light out. Sure, after two boys she'd really wanted a daughter, but Mamoru was enough of a blessing. And he didn't seem to mind that she'd painted his bedroom pink. Reiji was upset about the way she treated him, but she insisted she'd stop doing his hair in barrettes and playing makeup with him when he was old enough for school.

After Mrs. Takatori left the room all was well and silent…for a few minutes. Then a rustling noise was heard. The door slowly opened and pairs of glowing red eyes advanced towards the bed. Mamoru thought he heard something and opened his eyes. The red eyes hid under his bed, and he just barely caught the flicker of light as they went under.

"I don' wanna big boy bed no moh!" Mamoru whimpered. "S'okay Bill, I'll pr'teck you." Mamoru said to his bear. "You see who's down there. Tell me real quick and I'll pull you back up, okey dokey?" He made the bear nod, and then tossed him under the bed.

Some shredding noises were heard and then stuffing started flying out from under the bed. Mamoru started shrieking, and he covered himself with his blanky.

"Mamoru, what is it sweetheart?" Mrs. Takatori asked, turning on the light. Of course the shredding promptly ceased. Mamoru was shaking under the blanket.

"What the hell is all this noise?" Reiji Takatori demanded.

"He's dead!" Mamoru chirped. "Who's gonna tell Missus Bill her hubby ain't comin' home?!"

"Who's dead?" Reiji demanded.

"Bill!"

"Who the hell is Bill?"

"Watch your language in front of our son! And Bill is his teddy bear." Mrs. Takatori said, picking up Mamoru and rocking him.

"Good. You're too old to be playing with teddy bears." Reiji snapped.

"He's three!" Mrs. Takatori exclaimed.

"Right. I'm going back downstairs, keep it quiet."

"Your son is not an it!" Mrs. Takatori said angrily.

"My son. Right." Reiji muttered. "Whore."

"Whassa whore Mama?" Mamoru asked.

"He said horse honey."

"Why are you a horsey?"

"Daddy's being silly. I'm sure we'll find Bill in the morning hon, just go back to bed." Mrs. Takatori laid Mamoru back down, kissed his cheek, turned out the light and shut the door.

Mamoru went back to shaking under the blanket. He closed his eyes and pretended there was no monster. Then his bed lurched forward and he screamed.

In the living room downstairs Mrs. Takatori made to go to her son again and her husband stopped her. "You need to stop coddling that boy. Leave him, he can't be terrified of monsters under his bed forever."

"He's three!" Mrs. Takatori repeated.

Upstairs Mamoru dived off of the bed and ran screaming down the stairs. "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!"

"Honey! Oh honey, you need to go back to sleep!" Mrs. Takatori scooped him up and started carrying him towards his room, so he reached out and grabbed the doorframe and wouldn't let go. "Honey stop that!"

"They're gonna kill me like Bill!" Mamoru cried.

"They only kill naughty little boys who don't listen to their parents." Reiji said.

"Reiji, stoppit!" Mrs. Takatori snapped. "Sweetheart let go! You're going to hurt your arms!"

"I don' care! I don' wanna!"

"Why don't we go look under your bed-" Mrs. Takatori started, but Mamoru cut her off.

"I don' wanna die like Bill!"

"Maybe he should sleep in our bed tonight Reiji-"

"No!" Reiji got up, grabbed Mamoru from his wife, gave one good tug that ripped Mamoru from the door way and dragged him crying and screaming to his bedroom. He dropped him onto the bed, shut and locked the door, and then went downstairs.

Mamoru stayed perfectly still, hoping the monsters wouldn't know he was there. Then they poked their heads over the edge of the bed.

The glowing red eyes were attached to celery. Mutated celery monsters were climbing onto Mamoru's bed.

"Come play with us Mamoru. Under the bed. You'll like it under here." One of the pieces of celery suggested.

"Bill likes it under here too." Another one said, then he held up Bill's severed head.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!" Mamoru screamed. He ran over to his door and started banging on it. "Momeeee!!! Dadeeeeee!!!"

"Not another word out of you mister! Back to bed!" Reiji thundered.

Hirofumi poked his head out of his bedroom. "Mamoru? What's going on?"

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! They're gonna kill me like Bill!"

"Who is? Mamoru?" Hirofumi tried to open the locked door. "Mamoru, who's in there?"

"C-celery!" Mamoru sobbed. "I don' wanna play!"

"Frickin' Masafumi, he's not supposed to experiment on his veggies anymore." Hirofumi growled. He ran back into his room, got a bobby pin and then picked the lock on Mamoru's door. He picked up his shaking baby brother in one arm and scooped up the mutated celery with the other and marched downstairs.

"Mom! Dad! Masafumi's been picking on Mamoru again! And he's not eating his vegetables! If he doesn't have to eat his celery then I don't wanna! It's not fair!"

Reiji picked up the mutated celery and examined it. "The boy's getting good at this. We should send him to that science camp he was talking about."

"Reiji! He shouldn't be using his gifts to torment our youngest." Mrs. Takatori said, hugging Mamoru.

"Right. And you, Hirofumi, need to learn not to snitch so much. That sort of thing can get you in trouble."

"But Dad-"

"No buts! To bed, both of you, or Santa won't come!"

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Mamoru was awoken much later into the night when his brothers entered his room.

"Mamoru? Are you awake?" Hirofumi asked.

"I am now." Mamoru answered, rubbing sleepies from his eyes.

"Hirofumi thinks he heard Santa." Masafumi said. "I think it was a burglar. Did you hear anything?"

"We want you to come with us to see if it's Santa." Hirofumi said.

"Or a burglar." Masafumi added.

So they dragged their little brother out of bed and walked downstairs to their living room and waited by the Christmas tree. They could hear some more thudding on the roof.

"Are we s'posed to be here? What if Santa doesn' give the presents if you're awake?" Mamoru asked.

"Then we'll trade you for the presents. I bet he could use another elf slave." Masafumi decided.

"What?" Mamoru asked, his eyes going big.

"Well what did you think the elves were? Santa goes at night so he can kidnap elf-slaves. I mean, have you ever seen anybody get coal? No, he just kidnaps the naughty girls and boys and their parents don't care because they don't love them." Masafumi explained. He got a thump on the head from Hirofumi.

"I think I hear something from the kitchen. Maybe Santa found the cookies and milk we left for him." Hirofumi decided. He lead his little brothers to the kitchen, and they saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. There was no mistletoe, and they were kissing in a way Mamoru had yet to see. Hirofumi clamped a hand over Mamoru's eyes and pulled his brothers away.

Reiji was running down the stairs in his bathrobe clutching a shotgun. "What is it? Where is he?" Reiji asked, waving the gun wildly.

"Daddy no! You can' kill Santa on Christmas!" Mamoru cried, clutching his Daddy's bathrobe.

"Mommy's kissing Santa Claus! She's kissing him like people on TV! I wonder if we get more presents this year." Masafumi brainstormed.

"Out of the way boy!" Reiji growled. He stalked into the kitchen with his sons trailing and aimed his rifle at Santa. "I already called the cops. You got to the count of three to explain yourself. One-"

"It's me, Shuichi." Santa mouthed, trying to keep the kids from noticing.

Bang!

"You said I had till the count of three!" Shuichi exclaimed, jumping back. The bullet had grazed his leg.

"Santa's bleeding!" Mamoru cried.

"Into the living room!" Hirofumi yelled, trying to push Mamoru and Masafumi away.

"Give him one in the belly, I wanna see if there's really jelly inside Daddy!" Masafumi enthused.

"Dammit Reiji, that's your brother! He's just trying to do something nice for the kids!" Mrs. Takatori yelled.

"The kids. Right." Reiji growled.

Then the police showed up.

"Dude! This is the best Christmas ever!" Masafumi exclaimed as the police trained their guns on Santa. "I bet if they kill him we can steal his sleigh and take over his workshop!"

"They're gonna kill Santa!"

"They're not gonna kill Santa Mamoru, calm down." Hirofumi said comfortingly.

"Sir, do you know this man?" One of the cops asked, pulling off the fake beard.

"Never seen him before in my life." Reiji answered.

"I'm his brother!" Shuichi exclaimed. "His biological brother!"

"Santa's uncle Shuichi?" Mamoru asked.

Then the police handcuffed Santa and frisked him for weapons. "Reiji! Reiji tell them who I am! You're gonna traumatize the kids!"

"Bang bang! I shot you Santa!" Masafumi said, holding up his hand like a gun.

"Yes, I intend to press charges." Reiji said to one of the cops questioning him.

Mamoru had lost it. He ran under the tree and pulled out a nerf crossbow set and started firing at the cops. "Leave Uncle Santa alone you meanies!"

"Uncle Santa?" One of the officers asked.

"That's our uncle Shuichi. How come you never told us you were Santa uncle Shuichi?" Hirofumi asked.

"I'm one of Santa's helpers." Shuichi said. "He asked me to come here because otherwise he might've been late. Rudolph's got a cold."

"You can help yourself out and into the police car." Reiji snapped.

"How did you get into the house?" A cop asked.

"With the key they gave me." Shuichi explained.

"I don't remember giving you a key." Reiji snapped.

"I did." Mrs. Takatori snapped.

"Sir, if he had a key it's really not breaking and entering." One of the cops said. "We're going to have to let him go."

"How can you sleep at night? Letting a criminal like this run free-"

"I'm your brother!"

"Bah humbug!"

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"And that's the first Christmas I can remember." Omi explained. "That's also why I don't like celery."

"I got that beat." Nagi said.

"Is this a competition?" Omi asked.

"It is now."

A Nagi Christmas Memory

"What the hell kind of a Christmas present is that?" Schuldig snapped.

"I didn't say it was a Christmas present, I said I had a surprise. This is our last team member. His name is Nagi, treat him better than you treated that goldfish I bought you." Crawford ordered.

"Hey, it's not my fault the stupid goldfish couldn't survive in Farf's Kool-Aid."

"And I suppose it wasn't your fault Farfarello choked on it?" Crawford asked.

"He deserved it for eating Captain Guppy!" Schuldig insisted.

"M-my name is Naoe Nagi and I'm six and eleven months." Nagi said shyly, hiding behind Crawford's leg.

"Yeah, I don't care. I didn't ask for your life story." Schuldig snapped. "What's he do?"

"Nagi's a telekinetic, and he's only going to get more powerful as he ages." Crawford explained. "Nagi, this is Schuldig. He's telepathic, so one of your first lessons is going to be about developing mental shields."

"You take all the fun out of life, you know that?" Schuldig whined. "You're telekinetic, right?"

"Uh huh."

"So, go telekinetic me the remote control." Schuldig said, flopping in front of the couch.

"I'll go get Farfarello. He should meet Nagi." Crawford decided. He pulled out a key ring and walked over to a heavily protected door.

Nagi sat down with Schuldig in front of the TV.

"Right, as the newest member of Schwartz, that makes you my slave. Farf is Crawford's slave, that's why he has him locked up. There's this pecking order. Me and Crawford are the oldest and the biggest, and you and Farf are the youngest and the smallest, so you have to do what we say. Understand?"

Nagi nodded.

"Then why don't I have Kool-Aid right now?" Schuldig asked.

Crawford ran back into the room. "Farfarello got out!"

"Well I let his window open so he'd have some sun." Schuldig said pleasantly.

"It's December!" Crawford yelled. Schuldig shrugged.

"I was kinda hoping we'd lose him. And we have! So back to the telly. This Japanese TV really sucks. We'd better not be stuck in Japan very long." Schuldig flopped onto the couch again, and Crawford yanked him up by the collar and shoved him towards the door. Nagi followed nervously.

"Look, we need to find him quickly so we'll split up. I'll drop you two off and you go look for him together. Together Schuldig, you can't just ditch Nagi and come home." Crawford said sternly.

"Maybe we should check the train tracks in case he got hit by a train. If he did can I have his room? There's this spring on the sleep sofa that's been digging into my back-"

"No! Dammit Schuldig, find him and bring him back alive."

"You make me do everything! You make me watch the short one, and now I hafta go find the crazy one? If I'm gonna be a babysitter you should at least pay me for it!" Schuldig whined.

"What's Farf'rello look like?" Nagi asked.

"Crazy. And bloody. And scary. He'll probably kill you and eat you." Schuldig said. Crawford smacked him. "Ow!"

"He's got white hair and yellow eyes. He tends to stand out."

"Is he a cat?" Nagi asked.

"No. He's a very disturbed Irish boy." Crawford explained.

He drove them a few neighborhoods away, to a place they'd caught Farf at a few of the other times he'd escaped. "Start looking, I'll be back in a half hour."

"It's cold! Can't we just let the police catch him this time?" Schuldig asked. "This is no way to spend Christmas Eve!"

"Then don't leave the window open for sun anymore!" Crawford snapped before driving away.

Schuldig glared at Nagi, then kicked him and started walking too fast for his little legs. "Do you know why we keep Farf in a cage?" Schuldig asked.

"N-no! I just got here!" Nagi chirped, jogging to keep up with Schuldig.

"Well, it's because he doesn't like kids. He killed our last teammate. The one you're replacing."

"Crawford-san didn't say I was a replacement." Nagi said.

"That's because he doesn't want you to know. He doesn't care about you. But I do. That's why I'm telling you to leave now while you've still got a chance! He hasn't implanted the tracking chip in your brain yet, has he?" Schuldig asked.

"N-no!"

"It's why he took the car. He's got a little screen in there to tell him where we are at all times." Schuldig explained.

"Then why'd he leave us here?" Nagi asked.

"So you can meet Farf yourself. He doesn't want to be around in case Farfarello reacts to you the same way he did to Terry." Schuldig answered.

"Terry?"

"He was our last telekinetic. He's also that meatloaf we have in the fridge. Crawford's going to tell you it's leftovers, but now you know better. Make sure you chew it good, you might find a finger in there."

Nagi started crying as he ran to catch up to Schuldig.

"Oh holy Jesus! Not on the lord's birthday!!" A woman screamed.

"Well I think we found Farf." Schu said pleasantly. "You go first and see if he's in there."

"Uh uh. I'm not dumb!" Nagi insisted.

"But you're expendable and I'm not! Boot!" Schuldig booted Nagi into the church. Nagi let out a terrified wail and covered his eyes with his hand.

"What is this? A stray lamb for me to play with? Did God send you?"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Nagi squealed, backing away. "Uh uh! This blond kid did! I don' mean no harm mister! I was just looking for food and this guy with glasses took me to this place and there was this blond kid who said I was his slave and they told me about a cat man and please don't turn me into meatloaf like Terry!"

"Who the hell is Terry?" Farfarello asked.

"I dunno! I just got here!" Nagi finally uncovered his eyes and looked at his new teammate.

Farfarello was quite a bit taller than him, scratched up, covered in blood, wearing an altar cloth like a cape, and surrounded by fire with broken stained glass windows framing him. Nagi'd had about all his little six year old self could take and he passed out.

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"Is he okay?"

"Maybe he's dead."

"We should probably bury him then."

"Yeah, he might start smelling."

"Ooo. Or maybe we could flush him down the toilet!"

"We have an outhouse!"

"We could flush him down someone else's toilet."

"Wha?" Nagi opened his eyes. Schuldig and Farfarello were smiling at him. "Eeeek!" He covered his eyes with his hands and started trembling.

"What did you do to him now?" Crawford demanded. They were back at the tiny shack Esset had given Schwartz to train in. Complete with one bedroom (designated for Farf) a living room/bedroom/kitchen, a working pump and an outhouse. If it wasn't for the tiny black and white television, Schuldig would have probably chewed open his wrists already.

"Nothing! He just started crying when he woke up. He's a little wuss." Schuldig said defensively. "We should hock him and buy a decent TV. He'd make a good coat stand."

"You could lean your umbrellas against him." Farf suggested.

"Shut up Farfarello."

"Make me blondie."

"Stop it you two! Go to your corners!" Crawford snapped.

"No!" Schuldig refused. "I'm an adult, it's time you started treating me like one!"

"You're fourteen and you're a spoiled brat! Even though we don't have anything you still manage to be spoiled. Go in the closet then!" Crawford snapped.

"But there are strange buggies in the closet." Schuldig whined.

Farf was sitting in his corner singing to himself. "My house it has three corner, three corner has my house. And had it not three corners…it would be a decent place to live in."

"Can Santa come here without a chimney?" Nagi asked curiously.

"Santa's dead. Farf killed him because Santa loves Jesus." Schuldig explained.

"Closet!" Crawford snapped.

"Abuse! Rape! Rape!"

"What was that?" Crawford asked.

"Nothing. Just practicing." Schuldig answered with a cheery smile. He stared warily at the closet door. "Can I at least have a can of Raid?"

"It's in the outhouse if you want to fetch it." Crawford said.

"You heard him slave." Schuldig snapped to Nagi.

"Nagi! Where are you going?" Crawford asked.

"It's okay, Schuldig already explained everything to me." Nagi said to Crawford. Schuldig was waving his arms and making a cutting motion across his throat. Crawford turned around and he stopped. "He told me about the pecking order, and how Farf's your slave-"

At this Farf started laughing.

"And I'm his." Nagi finished.

"Schuldig says a lot of things. Most of it's lies." Crawford explained gently. "You're not his slave. You're Esset's slave. And we're working on that situation. Now, Santa is not dead, he can't die. He lives forever. Like Highlander. Help me pull out the couch and we'll go to sleep so he can come."

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Thud.

"Ow! Crawford-san, Schuldig pushed me off the couch again!" Nagi complained.

"Stop being such a snitch." Schuldig hissed.

"Stop pushing him off the couch. Sleep. Sleep dammit." Crawford murmured, sounding half dead.

"Well with the whelp sharing the sleep sofa the spring's going directly into my spine! I can't live like this Crawford!" Schuldig whined, pushing Nagi back off the couch as he tried to get on again.

Thud.

"Ow! Crawford-san!"

"Can't he just share a room with Farf? Give him a flashlight and a can of Raid and he'll be fine." Schuldig suggested. There was the sound of a thud and some deranged giggling coming from Farf's room. Nagi whimpered, and then clung to Crawford's leg.

"Don' send me into Farf's room! I'll be good! I'll sleep under the sleep sofa!" Nagi begged. "I'll sleep in the closet! Please! I want to live!"

"Nagi leggo…" Crawford said sleepily, trying to pry the frightened child off his leg.

"He's such a brat. You should send him back to wherever you got him from, he's obviously defective." Schuldig decided, stealing the majority of the blanket and rolling over away from the spring.

"No! Don' send me away. I've never had a Christmas with a family before-"

"Don't suck up! He's playing with your brain, and that's my job!" Schuldig yelled.

"Thassit! Schuldig, Nagi, Farf's room! Crawford closet!" Crawford ordered, eyes half open as he ripped the blanket back.

"What?" Schuldig asked, genuinely confused.

"Go!" Crawford yelled.

"No!" Nagi wailed, as he was shaken off of Crawford's leg and tossed into Farf's room. Schuldig followed reluctantly, muttering angrily under his breath.

Crawford slammed the door shut, and then collapsed in front of the closet door.

"That's it Nagi. You broke Crawford." Schuldig accused, kicking Nagi's leg.

"Schuldig be quiet." Nagi pleaded in a whisper.

"Why the fuck should I-?!" Schuldig asked loudly, then they heard a deranged laugh from somewhere in the shadows. "Oh. Farfarello, I have brought you a sacrifice!"

"Himself!" Nagi chirped. "He wants to sacrifice himself!"

"The hell I do! Just kill the whelp so we can have some meatloaf again, I'm sick of ramen." Schuldig whined.

"Schuldig, stop being so hard on yourself, you're not a whelp. And just because you've eaten too much ramen doesn't mean you should give up on life." Nagi said.

Then they heard the deranged laugh coupled with the thudding they'd heard earlier. Schuldig frowned, it was getting awfully repetitive, and Farf had yet to respond to their presence.

He walked over to the corner where he found a tape recorder playing a continuous loop of Farf sound effects. The window was open again. "Well, we're safe, let's go to bed." Schuldig decided, plopping onto the floor.

"We have to tell Crawford-san!" Nagi whimpered.

"You tell him." Schuldig snapped.

"He locked the door!" Nagi yelped.

"Just go to sleep. The police will bring Farf in tomorrow." Schuldig said. "Damn this floor is uncomfortable."

"What if he comes back?" Nagi asked.

"Then he'll kill you. Maybe he can cut you open and I can warm myself with your skins wampa style." Schuldig suggested.

Nagi's lower lip trembled. Then he started wailing.

"Shaddup!" Schuldig snapped. "Hey! You stop when I tell you to shut up!" Nagi continued to wail. Schuldig got up and walked over to Nagi, poking at his shoulder. "Dude! You'll wake up Crawford and then we'll get in trouble! Do you wanna get kicked out?! Do you wanna spend Christmas out on the streets with the homeless crazy Santa people and Farf?!"

Nagi's wail seemed to get louder then. So Schuldig gave him a good hard kick and the wall blew up. Schuldig stared for a minute at the snowy ground and the tree that had been next to Farf's window when there had been a window.

"It's like a garage door opener." Schuldig declared.

Nagi stopped crying. "What are we gonna do now?" Nagi asked quietly.

"Well we're not sleeping in here. There's too much of a damn draft!" Schuldig exclaimed.

"What the hell did you do to my room?" Farfarello asked. "I go out to get presents for you and you destroy my personal property!"

"Should the presents be bloody like that?" Nagi whispered to Schuldig.

"It means they're fresh." Schuldig answered. Nagi made a high pitched squeaking noise again.

Crawford unlocked and opened the bedroom door. "What the hell was that noi-holy…" He just stopped there, staring at the outside.

"I brought presents and they broke my room! I demand justice!" Farf exclaimed, walking slowly towards Nagi and Schuldig. Schuldig gave him a bored look while Nagi whimpered and ran behind Crawford's legs.

Farfarello continued until he was standing in front of Schuldig. Schuldig pat him on the head. "That'll do Farf, that'll do."

"I'm gonna kill you you delusional freak of nature!" Farf screamed.

"That's rich coming from you!" Schuldig returned.

Crawford grabbed them both by their collars and pulled them into the house. He shut and locked the door and then assessed the sleep sofa.

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The four members of Schwartz were, for the moment, sleeping peacefully. Well, three of the four. Farfarello was muzzled and wearing his straightjacket and footie-jammies, visions of bloodied clergy members dancing through his head. Schuldig had finally drifted off in a position that was not healthy for his back in any shape, way or form, but avoided the razor spring. And Nagi was sandwiched between them, eyes wide open, shaking fearfully.

Crawford couldn't fit on the couch, so he'd stolen the blanket and was sleeping on the floor next to it, to be awoken in the morning with feet on his face and chest.

And Nagi stayed awake the whole night, afraid to sleep. He saw no Santa that night, but rather a half asleep Crawford pulling a few crappy presents out of the closet.

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"So…that's how I found out about Santa." Nagi explained.

"That's horrible! But I'm not sure if it beats seeing Santa arrested and shot." Omi said, considering.

"You still had your delusions." Nagi said with a shrug. "Besides, tally up the lasting results. I found out I was going to be sharing a home with Schuldig and Farf for who knows how much longer."

"True." Omi thought about it a moment longer. "I don't know whose was worse. What did Farf get you anyway? Severed body parts?"

"No, he just stole presents from other people. Crawford got a teddie, not a teddie bear, like lingerie. I got a diamond bracelet that turned out to be fake when we hocked it, and Schuldig got a Sega game cartridge."

"Well that last one's not that bad." Omi said.

"We didn't have a Sega." Nagi said flatly.

"So anyway Nagi-kun…you were gonna give me my present?" Omi reminded. "That's why I let you haul me up the side of the apartment again. By the way, for real, we're never doing that again."

"Fine." Nagi said reluctantly. "But you look cute all panicky."

"That's not nice to say. But thank you for calling me cute! You really think I-no! We're not doing that again!" Omi squeaked.

Nagi handed him a small, neatly wrapped box with a bow on it. "I couldn't really think of anything so it's kinda clichéd." Nagi said with a frown.

Omi opened his present. He squealed and strangle hugged Nagi's neck. "Omigawd omigawd a promise ring! Thank you Nagi-kun! Yay! I love it!"

"Ack! Neck! Breathe!" Nagi gasped. Omi let go and put the ring on, giggling with a dumb smile plastered onto his face.

"Glad you like it." Nagi rasped. "Where's mine?"

"I didn't get you a promi-oh!" Omi reached into his backpack and pulled out a much more elaborately wrapped gift, full of curled ribbon and a homemade card. It was a bitch to unwrap with all of the tape, and Nagi finally got frustrated and shredded the wrapping job with his powers.

Out popped a Savage Garden single. It was the song 'Truly Madly Deeply'.

"What the hell? I don't even like American music. Is this some sort of joke?" Nagi asked. "Where's the real present?"

Omi's eyes went wide and watery. "W-what? You're joking, right Nagi-kun?" Omi asked carefully, his voice cracking a bit.

"Savage Garden's crap! Are you okay Omi? Omi?" Nagi asked.

Omi burst into tears. He hucked the promise ring at his head and ran from the room. Nagi followed him, very confused, and watched him run out the apartment door. "Omi! Omi!"

"When did he get here? Why was he in your room?" Crawford asked. He was sitting in the living room with the others, all of whom had been shocked to see Omi run through the room.

"What did you do to him?" Farf asked. "What did you do to the bringer of food?!"

Schuldig stopped Nagi at the door. "Dude, if he's that upset you always wait before you talk. You'll only make it worse."

"Outta the way Schuldig!" Nagi yelled, flinging him across the room with his powers.

"Wait! Nagi! He's right this time!" Crawford said, pulling Nagi back with Farf's aid. "For once he's right!"

"Ow!" Schuldig whined loudly. He'd landed on the coffee table and subsequently broken it. "My back! There's something wrong with my back!"

"What did you do?" Crawford asked.

"I didn't do anything! I gave him my present and he liked it! And then he gave me this!" And he held up the Savage Garden single. "It's not even a full CD, it's just the single and I hate this band!"

"Dude! That's the first song you ever danced to you idiot! That's your song!" Schuldig yelled, then moaned in pain.

"What?" Nagi asked, feeling really, really shitty. He pounced on another thought before he fell into a depression. "How do you know that?"

"I was there!" Schuldig reminded him.

"Oh. Shit."

TBC

Author's Notes/long winded explanations

Farf calling Schuldig blondie back there, this is something that Chikin and I came up with that I'm not sure if we'll be able to fully explain in the fic, but will be referenced. This is the evolution of Schuldig's hair.When he was a little kid he had very nice, very soft, shiny blond hair. Then at one point after he started growing it out he turned it green with chlorine. He tried to dye away the chlorine damage and ended up staining it orange. At that point he'd been growing it out and he didn't want to chop it so he just kept doing his roots orange. And then through neglect and abuse it got unhealthy and became the gravity defying orange clown hair we know and love. So when he's fourteen (like in the fic) he still has the soft, shiny, pretty hair.

I think Chikin and I probably have the youngest Schwartz origin ever…they're all so little. It comes from our love of torturing small cute things, so we wanted to make Nagi as little as possible. That's all it is really. He's becoming a slightly tougher Squee (character from Jhonen Vasquez) in my mind. So for the curious, our relative ages of young Schwartz go as follows: Nagi just under seven, Farfarello twelve, Schuldig fourteen, almost fifteen, Crawford nineteen. And we will be doing more young Schwartz fics. As for the squalor they lived in, we figured Eszett wouldn't start spending money on them until they were worth it, so while they were all training it's funny to have them live in poverty and laugh at their discomfort. Oh how we laugh!

Please review! -


	5. Eggnog Shopping and Tree Pilfering

"He's not looking, do it now." Schuldig hissed. Farfarello opened his mouth and leaned towards the frosty metal railing outside the Store 24. Crawford snapped back around and yanked Farfarello away by the back of his collar. Farf lost his balance and fell on his ass. 

"Do I need to get a leash for you?" Crawford snapped.

"Sure, if you want to tether yourself to me be my guest." Farf said brightly. Crawford scowled, then went inside to buy milk.

Schuldig and Farf lingered by the metal railing for a moment longer, before he yanked them into the store after him.

While Crawford was paying Schuldig and Farf stood by the Icee machine. "D'ya think the Icee machine is cold enough?" Farf asked.

"It's plastic. It doesn't matter if it's cold enough." Schuldig said flatly.

"But it has Icee inside so it has to be cold enough!" Farf insisted.

"But it's plastic!"

"That's not plastic, that's metal." Farf argued. "It's just painted."

"It's painted plastic then. Look, it's warm." Schuldig said, patting the machine with his hand.

"I think we should try it anyway." Farf said.

"It's not gonna work. Because it's plastic." Schuldig said flatly.

"It's not gonna work because it wouldn't work!" Farf shot back, then licked the machine.

"Do I have to watch you every second?!" Crawford yelled, while the cashier gaped at them, then reached for the disinfectant spray.

Farf's tongue slid right off.

"We need further testing." Schuldig snapped.

"It didn't work." Farf beamed.

"Because it was plastic."

"No, because it doesn't work!" Farf yelled.

Crawford disinfected the machine for the cashier and then turned to Farf. "Open your mouth."

"Why-eeeehh!" Farfarello started swiping at his tongue. Crawford had sprayed the disinfectant in his mouth. "Tha' suff's gwoss! Leechh!"

"Serves you right. Let's go home. And don't lick the railing Schuldig!"

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Nagi trudged up to the door to the Koneko and timidly knocked. Aya opened the door. "Hello-"

SLAM.

Nagi frowned, then tried again.

"I'm turning on the sprinklers!" Aya shouted from the other side of the door.

"It's winter!"

"Then I suggest you move, because the water is going to be damned cold." Aya responded.

"Come on, I need to apologize to-Aaaaaaahhh!" Nagi yelped as he was sprayed with frigid water.

"Aya? What the hell are you doing?" Yohji asked curiously. Aya was standing by the blinds, holding them open with a few fingers wide enough for him to see, one hand playing with the controls for the sprinkler system.

"Watering the lawn." Aya answered casually.

"It's December. You know that, right?" Yohji asked.

"I know."

"Why is the lawn screaming?" Yohji asked.

Aya let go of the blinds and regarded Yohji. "It's December. The water's cold." Aya answered, as though Yohji were very dumb.

Yohji opened the blinds and observed Nagi running away from one sprinkler and into another as it turned on. Aya was now smirking as he pressed the buttons.

"You are sick!" Yohji yelled. He slapped Aya's hand away from the buttons and opened the door.

He ran over to where Nagi was standing, huddled over and shaking, staring up at Omi's window. "Omi! O-Omi I'm s-s-sorry!"

"C'mon, get inside, you're gonna freeze." Yohji said, trying to pull Nagi towards the Koneko. He pulled off his jacket and wrapped it around Nagi's shoulders.

"O-omi!! I'm s-sorry! Talk to me!" Nagi yelled at the window.

"Kid, you can talk to him inside." Yohji said, still pulling uselessly at his arm.

And then the sprinklers turned on again.

"Aya! Aya this isn't funny!" Yohji yelled. He was standing in ankle deep snow, now without a jacket and drenched. He managed to pry Nagi to the door and turned the knob, rather uselessly as it was locked. "Aya you bastard! Unl-lock th-the door!" Yohji's teeth were chattering.

Aya looked at them out the window, smirked, and then closed the blinds. Now all of the sprinklers were going.

"Aya? Aya?" Yohji was peering between one of the blinds. "I c-can k-kinda see hi-his back…Aya? It's going up th-the stairs…Aya! AYA!! Th-the joke isn't funny, IT'S NOT FUNNY!!"

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"That's hilarious! If only we had a sprinkler system. Or a lawn." Crawford said wistfully. "Hang on Ran, someone's at the door." He put the phone down and opened the door.

Yohji and Nagi were at the door, still sopping wet, and somewhat blue. Nagi was talking softly, still muttering to an imaginary Omi about the Christmas present fiasco.

"I came to return this." Yohji said.

"Alright." Crawford grabbed Nagi's arm and pulled him into the apartment. He was about to shut the door, when Yohji edged in.

"I was also wondering if I could warm up? I've been locked out."

"Fine. Schuldig's over…Sch-Schuldig?" Crawford ran over to the window and leaned out of it. "Dammit Schuldig! Stoppit! FARF!!" He pulled off a shoe and tossed it.

"Ow! That's just rude!" Schuldig's voice was heard, very faintly.

Yohji was scowling from the doorway. "I'm not here to see Schuldig. I just want to get warm."

"Schu! Your fuck buddy's here!" Crawford called.

"We're not fuck buddies!" Both of them yelled.

"Denial in stereo." Crawford muttered.

"At least I get some!" Schuldig yelled to him.

Crawford shut the window and grabbed the phone. "Ran? Yeah…wait one minute." He put the phone down, opened the window and called outside again. "Hey! Bring my shoe up with you!"

"Farf's got it!" Schuldig answered.

"Well then tell Farf to-oh. Bring what's left back!" Crawford shut the window again and picked up the phone. "They're still trying to stick their tongues to things. I know. No, I think it's just a phase. (Pause) I don't think it works. Yeah, it's all crap. (Pause) Well have you ever seen it happen?"

Yohji stood awkwardly by the door.

"Farf leggo! Stop growling, you're not a dog!" Schuldig's voice could be heard from the hallway. The door opened, and Schuldig and Farf entered, Schuldig trying to pry Crawford's shoe from Farf's mouth. Schuldig was pulling really hard, so of course Farf let go and he went flying backwards and landed on the ground.

"Ow! My back!" Schu groaned. Farf smiled evilly, then retreated to his room.

"You wanted to see me?" Schu asked from the ground.

"Not really, I was just cold. Can I use your shower?" Yohji asked. He was still shaking from the frozen water, and a hot shower sounded good.

Schuldig scowled. "Use your own damn shower."

"I'm locked out."

"Well I suppose you'll want me to dry your clothes off for you too?" He snapped sarcastically.

"That'd be great, thanks." Yohji said, pulling off his wet shirt and tossing it onto Schuldig. "Linen closet's this one, right?" Schuldig gaped at him, feeling angry, awkward and slightly turned on. He fixed a glare on Yohji and laid on the ground, trying to figure out how to stand up without hurting his back.

"You know you're glaring at nothing. He's in the shower now." Crawford said.

"Shut up." Schuldig muttered.

"Good come back."

"You shut up!" He yelled, then carefully stood up, attempting to avoid further damage to his back. He took a step forward, then tripped on Yohji's shirt and fell back onto the floor.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaahh!" He wailed. "My back!"

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Omi trudged down the stairs and stared out the window. "Why are the sprinklers on?"

Ken shrugged. "I thought the snow would provide enough water for the grass. I guess Aya didn't think so. Have you seen Yohji? He skipped out on his chores again."

"No. Well I'm just gonna shut off the sprinklers then. Don't wanna over water the snow." Omi flicked the switch, picked up a Hello Kitty tote bag and began the journey to the Schwarz apartment.

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"Are you just gonna lay there wailing while your boyfriend is here?" Farf asked pleasantly.

Schuldig was on the couch with ice on his back, glaring at Farf. At the comment he jumped up to strangle him, strained his back and fell back onto the couch grimacing in pain. Farf laughed at him. He reached out a hand in an attempt to even poke Farf, and Farf was sitting just barely out of his reach, grinning.

"So you _are_ just gonna lay there while your fuck friend is over." Farf clarified, and then leaned back slightly so that Schuldig missed him again and hurt his back even more.

"Stop teasing him Farfarello. Go do something useful like changing his ice pack." Crawford snapped. "You enjoyed torturing small animals when you were little, didn't you?"

"What do you mean by that?" Farf asked, he was now poking Schuldig's head, and Schuldig was desperately reaching for him and grimacing.

Meanwhile, Yohji was having a bit of a problem. His clothes were still cold and wet and he didn't want to put them back on. Similarly, he didn't want to stand around in his pseudo-enemies' house nekkid in a towel. He stared at the unappealing freezing wet garments for a second longer, before edging warily out of the bathroom and making a run for Schuldig's room.

He kicked the door closed, relieved no one had seen him, and then began the search for a light switch since it was completely dark. "Clap on…" He said lamely, clapping, but it wasn't a clapper. Then the lights flicked on and he jumped, startled. They'd been turned on by a tentacle.

He looked around at the most filthy compost heap/bedroom he'd ever seen. "Get a hold of yourself Kudoh, you've been in dirtier hotel rooms than this. You can handle this." He pep talked himself. But the hotel rooms had never grown sentient life before.

Squish.

"Oh God I hope that's the carpet!" He squeaked.

He looked around the room, but he couldn't tell what clothing was clean and what wasn't. He picked up a tee shirt and it blinked at him. He dropped it, and jumped back, startled.

The tee shirt looked offended.

"Sorry." Yohji said in a small voice.

Then Lampy approached him. "What are you doing here?" It asked.

"Pardon?" Yohji asked, as Lampy was once again not speaking Japanese. "I don't speak…that."

"I don't speak Japanese." Lampy responded. Yohji blinked at him, having completely missed that.

"Parlez-vous Francais?(Do you speak French? -A/N)" Yohji asked stupidly.

_Yes, it's our native language._ (translated from French - A/N)

_Wait. Schuldig, the German, living in Japan, spawned French speaking monsters?_ Yohji asked. Lampy shrugged, rather, shrugged as much as he was able to with his interesting physique.

_Well we did learn German from him…but we've been lazy about the Japanese. Frederick pilfered this Rapanese tape though, it's damned annoying._

_What the hell is Rapanese?_ Yohji asked, now completely lost.

_Wait, why did you break into our home?_ Lampy snapped back, trying to stay on the more important topic.

_I didn't break in, I'm a guest. And I'm looking for clothes because mine are cold and wet. Is there anything dry and clean in here?_ Yohji asked.

Lampy considered for a moment. He wasn't sure he trusted this new intruder. After all, the last stranger had tied ribbons all over him after poisoning his home and food supply with Oust. But this new stranger was naked and vulnerable and Lampy couldn't imagine where he would possible be hiding Oust, so he decided to help him on his way.

3333333333333333333333333333333333333333

"Where are the others?" Yohji asked, emerging from Schuldig's room in a grubby t-shirt and a pair of jeans. Crawford was wrapping presents in the living room.

"I sent Nagi out for eggnog and Schuldig and Farfarello out for a Christmas tree." Crawford explained.

"Are you sure that was such a good idea?" Yohji asked.

"I'm fully aware of the misdemeanor Farfarello and Schuldig will commit, thank you, I just don't particularly care. It's Christmas Eve, we need a tree and they will return with a decent tree. That's all I care about." Crawford mumbled.

"Well…I guess I'll get going then." Yohji said awkwardly, edging towards the door. He opened it up just as Omi was about to knock. They both blinked confusedly, then Omi broke out into a wide grin.

"Why hello Yohji-kun. Interesting seeing you here. Isn't that shirt Schuldig-kun's?" Omi asked pleasantly. Yohji scowled.

"I was just leaving, actually. Anyway, Nagi's not home. He's eggnog shopping." Yohji snapped.

"It's okay, I'm not here to see him anyway. I'm still mad at him. I just wanted to drop off my presents." Omi near-pouted. He had a sack in one hand and a large-ish box under his other arm.

"The idiots aren't here either." Crawford informed him. "They're getting a tree."

"I thought I saw Schuldig and Farfarello on the highway with a chainsaw-" Omi started.

"I know already! I don't care!" Crawford exclaimed. "What's all that?"

"Presents!" Omi squeaked happily. He dropped the sack and handed Crawford the box. "This one's for you! Open it, open it!"

Crawford looked genuinely surprised. Yohji had a smug smile.

"I take it you didn't see this one coming then?" Yohji asked.

"I…totally did…I have a present. Really." Crawford lied, fairly obviously. He got up and ran into his room, and emerged a few minutes later. "It's just not wrapped."

He handed Omi a baseball. Omi stared at it for a minute. "Thank you?"

"It's a Fenway foul ball." Crawford explained.

"Oh!" Suddenly the gift seemed to have more personal meaning. Little did Omi know Crawford had about twenty of them lying around his room and the basement. Omi didn't really have a grasp of what Fenway was, but he assumed it had something to do with the Red Sox based on the scary basement room/shrine.

"Okay, now open yours!" Omi squeaked excitedly, pushing him towards the present.

Crawford started unwrapping the largish box when it squeaked. He looked startled, and then he recognized that squeak. His eyes widened, and he unwrapped in a frenzy to find a habit rail with a tiny dwarf hamster inside. The dwarf hamster had a little bow on top of its head and a card that said 'Merry X-Mas' on it. Crawford's eyes began to water.

"This is the greatest present I've ever gotten." He whispered, reaching inside to pick up the hamster.

"Nagi told me about Mr. Bubbles, so I thought you'd like another hamster." Omi said happily. "I guess I'll just leave Farfarello and Schuldig's presents with you then?"

"Hello there little hamster. Hello." Crawford cooed, petting the little animal.

"Alright then. Bye." Omi said.

Crawford ignored him, now having the hamster run off one of his hands and onto the other.

While leaving the apartment, Omi and Yohji bumped into Farfarello and Schuldig in the elevator. They were struggling with a rather large looking tree, Farfarello trying to look innocent while holding a chainsaw. They nodded politely at each other. When the elevator reached Omi and Yohji's floor and it dinged, a bird flew out of the tree and started flapping wildly around the elevator.

"Happy holidays." Schuldig said, trying to ignore the frightened bird.

"See you later." Yohji answered.

TBC

The story WILL be posted in full before Christmas is over, we promise!!!! Really! More tomorrow, come check! I swear!


	6. then it's a good thing i've got 2 helmet...

"I nominate Farfarello to put on the garland and the lights since he won't feel the pine needles digging into his skin." Schuldig announced. 

"I second it." Nagi said.

"I'm opposed!" Farf put in, glancing at the large ball of tangled lights and garland.

"All in favor say aye." Schuldig announced.

"Aye." Schuldig, Crawford and Nagi said.

"Nay!" Farf snapped.

"Three against one." Schuldig announced.

"Well I nominate Schuldig to untangle the lights and the garland." Farfarello said smugly.

"I second it." Nagi announced.

"All in favor say aye." Crawford announced, and three ayes and a nay were heard. Grumbling under his breath, Schuldig walked over to the box that held the lights and garland. He picked up a strand of lights and pulled, and the lights and garland came out, retaining the shape of the box. He growled low in his throat.

MEANWHILE

Across town the Weiss boys were exchanging presents.

Omi frowned as Aya tossed each of them mall gift cards, but Ken and Yohji seemed happy enough.

"C'mon Omi, can you imagine Aya attempting to purchase us thoughtful gifts? It's a slight improvement from last year." Yohji muttered.

"I guess you've got a point." Omi replied. Last year Aya had gifted them with supplies he blatantly wanted for his porshe, and as neither Omi or Ken owned a car, his evil plan had worked. The plan had backfired on Yohji, however, who owned a car and kept the car stereo for himself.

"Open my presents next!" Ken enthused, handing out gifts wrapped in newspaper. Omi frowned again, getting the feeling no one really shared his Christmas spirit. His presents had for the most part been purchased in advance, had a measure of thought put into them and been wrapped very nicely.

Aya ripped the paper to find a pair of fuzzy dice. He made no effort to hide his disgust. "What the hell is this?"

"Well it's cause you know, you like your car so I thought I'd get something for your car." Ken explained proudly.

"Did you get these from the thrift store?" Aya demanded.

"Aya-kun, it's not the price, it's the thought." Omi scolded.

"Price can be an indication of thought. I'm not using these. They're ugly and tacky. They'd probably look decent in the seven though." Aya said with a sneer.

"Hey! I have plenty of taste, thank you very much." Yohji said in an offended manner, straightening his snake-skin cowboy hat. "Besides, you can't give away a present." He then ate a heaving of crow when he opened his present from Ken and got a cap gun. "You really did do your shopping from the thrift store, didn't you?"

"Price is not an indication of thought!" Omi argued, trying to ignore a nervous feeling in his tummy. With his luck he was getting one of the thrift store teddy bears that burst a seam if you tried to hug it. He peeled back the newspaper and let out a squeal of joy. He ripped the rest of it off to reveal a brand spanking new copy of Candyland. "I love this game! Thank you Ken-kun!"

"Yohji, why'd you get me a helmet? I already have one for my motorcycle." Ken asked.

Yohji shrugged. "Indoor use?" Ken looked mildly offended.

"I don't think I'm klutzy enough to need a helmet." Ken had barely finished the sentence before the rest of them snorted or started coughing to cover laughter. He glared at the others. "I'm really not that bad!"

"Well…I don't know how much the helmet would've helped when you got your head stuck in Momoe's cat's door." Aya noted.

"Or when you ate all the poinsettia leaves and had to get your stomach pumped." Yohji added.

"Is that what happened? I must have been away for that one." Omi said with a frown.

"Yeah, last year when you were on that away trip with school. Ken and Aya got into a fight and Aya told him to go eat a bunch of poinsettia leaves. And he did. So we decided not to order them anymore as a precaution." Yohji explained.

"Look, having my stomach pumped was enough of a lesson. You really don't have to worry about me doing that again." Ken said bitterly. "Ooo, shiny!" He had opened Omi's present, a set of streamers to put on his motorcycle handles. Those actually had been purchased from the thrift store since Omi was still feeling bitter about being dumped. It did not please him that Ken liked the present.

"You know they'll probably fall off on your first ride. When you hit the wind." Omi muttered bitterly.

"But they're pretty…" Ken trailed off happily.

"They'll distract you and you'll crash and die." Omi added.

"Then it's a good thing I've got two helmets!" Ken said happily.

Next Yohji tossed Omi and Aya their presents, which he hadn't bothered to wrap at all, earning a frustrated sigh from Omi.

"Seat covers…these are ugly too." Aya noted. They were black and slightly bulky. "I'm not putting them in my car."

"They massage." Yohji said suggestively.

Aya seemed very conflicted about that.

"Ooo! Thank you Yohji-kun!" Omi squeaked happily, hugging a hideous neon and sparkly sweater that only they, with their hideous taste in clothing, would enjoy.  
And the last two gifts opened were a scrapbook for Aya from Omi (Aya deemed it worthy of a later look through, possibly a future as a coaster), and Yohji's concert ticket from Omi.

Omi watched Yohji carefully to see if he had caught onto the devious-devious plan, but all that registered was confusion over the band choice before Manx interrupted them with a last minute mission.

SKIPPY SKIPPY

"Why the fuck do we have to do a fucking job on Christmas fucking Eve?" Schuldig complained, obviously pissy based on the amount of expletives used.

"Because we're poor and Esset will have us killed if we don't become slightly more useful. Besides, since when have you found the birth of Jesus Christ worth celebrating?" Crawford snapped, pissy himself.

"Christmas has no religious value whatsoever. I mean c'mon, Farf celebrates it!" Schuldig exclaimed, annoyed. "And I really don't wanna be picking up after Taka-fucking-tori's damn brats on Christmas Eve. I wanna watch holiday movie marathons, eat junk food until I puke and open presents."

The two were standing in the sterile looking corridor of yet another random business building connected to Takatori-jr.'s medical mutations fetish. Their job was to destroy some data that, should it wind up in the hands of the authorities or worse, the media, fuck over their employer. Nagi was inside an office wiping the data, and sending out a couple of viruses just to be a total pain the ass since they didn't really like Takatori and resented being sent out with little warning on Christmas Eve.

Farfarello, the only one who'd actually wanted to come and hopefully find an excuse to kill things, either that or slip off and find himself a church or convent, was stuck at home putting the garland and lights on the tree so they could put on the tinsel and ornaments as soon as they were done with the job.

Meanwhile downstairs, the Weiss boys were entering the same office building, grumbling under their breath about working on Christmas Eve, but doing it anyway since Manx had threatened their Christmas bonuses. Their job was to retrieve some computer data on some random dark beast that, unbeknownst to them, their boss the police chief rather wanted.

So of course they ended up practically walking into Crawford and Schuldig.

"Oh crap. You're not here for the data too, are you?" Aya asked.

"Finished." Nagi announced, walking out of the office, while Schuldig and Crawford pulled out their guns.

"You wiped the computers of the mutation data, didn't you?" Omi asked.

"And then some." Nagi answered with an evil smile.

"Well I guess this means we can go home." Yohji said awkwardly. "I mean, unless you guys, y'know, wanna do battle?"

"It kinda feels like we should…" Nagi's voice trailed off.

Schuldig toyed with his gun. "Thanks for the Christmas present Omi. Looks like a cool concert."

"You're welcome Schuldig-kun!" Omi chirped.

"Yeah, this isn't working for me." Crawford started walking off.

Aya turned the other way, going for the stairs, and the two assassin groups went their separate ways.

They met up again in the parking lot.

"Is that…?" Yohji's voice trailed off. He'd caught sight of Farfarello running towards them.

"Did I miss the killing?" Farf asked between pants. "I finished the garland and the lights! Can I stab things now?"

"You're too late, we're going home." Crawford snapped.

Farf's face fell.

And then it happened.

Aya tripped on his coat while walking to the porshe and fell forward. He threw out his hands to keep himself from landing on his face, one of them clutching his katana. His mouth opened in surprise as he fell and connected with the katana. It was cold out.

It was very cold out.

…

Aya's tongue got stuck to his katana.

"Ha! Ha ha ha HA!! I fucking told you it worked!" Schuldig exclaimed, while Farf pouted.

"So it works. Big deal." He said lamely, while Schuldig gloated merrily.

Meanwhile Aya tugged at the katana, let out a cry of pain and stopped. Some of his lip got stuck too.

"Guess we'd better get home and pry that off." Yohji said with a grimace. Whoever tugged that thing off was gonna get a nice thank you from Aya, who would conveniently have his katana with him.

3333333333333333333333333333333333333333

"AAAaaAAAAAAnnn!!!"

"Jesus Aya, it's not gonna come off if we don't pull it!" Ken snapped.

"Don't pull it from the handle Ken-kun! That can't be good for him!" Omi whined.

"Well I can't pull from the blade, that'd hurt me!" Ken argued back.

Yohji tossed him a pair of gardening gloves from the shop. Ken glared.

"Thorns and a sword blade are completely different Yohji. I don't think those will protect me at all." Ken said doubtfully.

"Well if you pull from the handle I think Aya might kill you and this is better than your bare palms." Yohji put in.

"Wait, why do I get this job? Why can't one of you pry the katana from his mouth?!" Ken shouted.

"Because your Christmas presents sucked so you owe us!" Yohji answered.

"Yeah!" Omi chimed in.

"Wait, you liked my gift!" Ken argued.

"Yeah, but I'm not pulling that katana off of Aya-kun, he looks ready to kill somebody." Omi noted, staring at the vein going in Aya's forehead.

Ken put on the gloves, frowned, and then gripped the handle.

"AAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAnnnNNNNN!!!"

"I've almost got it!" Ken yelled. Blood was dripping down Aya's chin. Yohji had to pin his arms back so he wouldn't kill Ken, but he was still trying to kick.

"If you stop doing that I'll get it sooner!" Ken yelled, avoiding a kick to the stomach. "Seriously Aya, you're more likely to cut off your tongue than land a hit!"

Aya growled, kicked him in the balls, Ken fell back in pain, and the katana came off.

…

With about twenty layers of skin.

…

And half of his taste buds.

…

Aya was not happy.

But he was eerily calm. Ken was on the living room rug, writhing in pain. Yohji still had Aya's arms pinned. He slowly let go and backed away. Omi was already in the doorway with a phone in his hand.

Aya brought a hand to his chin to catch the blood before it stained his clothes. He slowly stood. Ken stopped writhing and tensed fearfully.

Ken slowly reached to the side, eyes still glued on Aya, and grabbed his helmet from under the Christmas tree.

"THI-NEH!!! (shi-ne - A/N)" Aya screamed.

Yohji and Omi ran from the room, while Ken curled up like a slug and covered his head with his hands.

Yohji and Omi ran blindly for the stairs, wanting to get to their rooms with the locks on the doors. While they were running past the front door the bell rang. This, of course, did not make Yohji or Omi stop to answer it, they ran by it and up the stairs.

Schuldig was standing on the doorstep, and, through the window, caught sight of them running. He scowled, annoyed, and entered the house anyway. He paused in the hallway. He could hear disturbing sounds coming from the living room, and he could feel the storm of rage that was Aya's mind. He ignored it, lest he get sucked into the angry mind.

"Yohji! Hey!" Schuldig yelled.

Yohji poked his head out of his bedroom door. "Schuldig? What are you doing here?"

Schuldig looked awkward. "What the hell do you think I'm doing here?" And pissy. He was holding a gift bag.

"Trespassing?" Yohji guessed.

"The door was unlocked and I saw you in the house! You ran away from the door." Schuldig noted. A scream of pain was heard from the first floor. "Though I can understand why."

"Yeah…uh…you wouldn't happen to know if Ken's still alive, would you?" Yohji asked.

"Who the hell cares?" Schuldig asked back.

"Well when he's done with Ken he might come after us. With that said, d'ya wanna just come into my room and I'll lock the door? It's probably safer than standing in the hallway."

At that point Omi peeked his head out of his room.

"Oh my God, they're like gophers." Schuldig muttered.

"Hey Schuldig-kun. Are you getting your clothes back from Yohji-kun?" Omi asked teasingly.

"What are you talking about kid?"

"I swiped these from your room while you were out." Yohji said, tossing Schuldig the jeans and t-shirt.

"You sick bastard."

"Well I wasn't gonna stand around naked in your house-"

"Whoa! Too much information!" Omi exclaimed, and shut the door.

"I bet he's going online to tell Nagi about that." Schuldig grumbled. "No lives, those two."

"You're one to talk. What's in the bag?" Yohji asked.

"P-present?" Schuldig held it out, looking very unsure and awkward.

"You got me a Christmas present?" Yohji asked, looking shocked.

Schuldig frowned, there was a moment of awkward silence, and he brought his hands in a little bit. "S-so. Yeah, I got you a present." He said, recovering with a scowl. "It was cheap and it was there, so-"

"Um…I didn't think we were gonna do presents so I…" Yohji trailed off.

"Don't get the wrong idea, but I hate you!" Schuldig snapped, practically throwing the present at Yohji in his haste to leave. "I only got it to make you look bad!" He yelled over his shoulder as he took off down the stairs.

Yohji stood still for a moment, registering that Schuldig the asshole had gotten him a Christmas present. He held it up to his ear to see if it was ticking.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! I'M SORRY AYA!!! IT HUUUUUUUUURRTTSS!!!" Ken's wail of pain drifted upstairs.

Yohji cautiously reached into the gift bag and pulled out his present.

SKIPPY SKIPPY

Bombay22987: I think Ken-kun's dead

Fatesbitch89: good

Bombay22987: wait, hes crying again

Fatesbitch89: that guy jus wont die wit honor. So you wanna come over here so youre safe?  
Bombay22987: so you can float me up the window? Hell no. I like being alive sides Im still mad at you

Fatesbitch89: then I think you should come over here

Bombay22987: is that a threat?  
Fatesbitch89: no, its more of the aya hacky hacky knife wieldy 'heres johnny' kinda thin Bombay22987: the sad part is I followed that

Knock knock.

Bombay22987: ogod ayas at the dor I gotta go

Fatesbitch89: omi don't die! Come over here!  
Bombay22987 has signed off

Fatesbitch89: ooooooooooooooooommmiiiii!!!

Omi turned around nervously, but he could still hear Ken wailing downstairs. Confused, he tip toed over to the door and listened carefully. The knocking repeated.

"Omi, shit let me in before Aya comes upstairs." Yohji pleaded. Omi opened the door, and Yohji ran in nervously.

"What's that?" Omi asked, locking the door. Yohji was holding a very old looking comic in a protective plastic case.

"My Christmas present from Schuldig." Yohji answered.

"Oooohh…what'd you get him?" Omi asked, semi-perky. Yohji looked guiltily at his feet. "You didn't get him anything?!"

"You told me he did his shopping after Christmas! I thought I had time! I didn't think he'd get me anything! And then he shows up with this…and it's thoughtful Omi, it's really fucking thoughtful!"

"Well what is it?" Omi asked.

"It's a Lucky Luke comic book." Yohji explained. Omi still looked confused. "He's a French cowboy character. I used to read them with my mom when I was little. I don't know how he knew about it, but I think an invasion of my privacy was involved. Still…"

"Still…that's really kinda sweet." Omi answered. Pause. "You speak French?"

"Yeah, my mom's French. What, do I look fully Japanese to you?" Yohji asked.

"Well no, but neither do Aya-kun and Ken-kun. Or me. Or Nagi for that matter. Or Ouka. Or anyone but Crawford. And he's American."

"Yeah, I know." Yohji snapped irritably.

"You know, I never thought I'd say this, but you're the asshole in this relationship." Omi stated.

"What relationship?! How can I be the asshole when we're not even dating?!" Yohji shrieked.

"I meant friendship relationship, but if you wanna take it like that…" Omi trailed off, then snorted. "That's so cute! You wanna date him! You wanna date Schuldig!"

"Shut up!" Yohji yelled.

"You wanna date him, you wanna date him-" Omi sang.

"Shut up! Shut up dammit! How do I fix this?" Yohji asked.

"I dunno. See, in my relationship with a member of Schwarz, I tend to be the one on the receiving end of apologies. Because theoretically they're more evil and fucked up. Theoretically of course. I mean, you'd be the first to make one of the bad guys run off crying-"

"He _so_ wasn't crying this time!" Yohji snapped.

"You made him cry before? Yohji you prick! It's Schuldig! That's gotta be pretty hard! Well I suppose you could snap his Looney Tunes DVD in half, then he might cry. Or kill you. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he'd just kill you, how did you make him cry?!" Omi demanded.

"It was so not my fault! And there were these school girls and these nuns-"

"Oh my god you're flustered! You really do like him. You wanna date him, you wanna-"

"Stop singing! Damn. Why did I think talking to you would make me feel better?" Yohji asked.

Omi shrugged. "So what are you gonna get him?"

"I dunno. Should I get him something?" Yohji asked.

"Well…he'll be mad if you do but more mad if you don't." Omi noted.

Yohji went silent, thinking of ways to placate Schuldig. The room was awfully quiet.

"Did you hear that?" Omi whispered.

"What?" Yohji asked.

"Exactly. Ken-kun stopped crying." Omi said, eyes widening. "Either he's dead, or Aya's moved on."

At that point there was a knock on the door.

"Omi, do you have the hydrogen peroxide?" Ken's voice sounded dazed.

"It's in the bathroom Ken-kun. How's Aya-kun's tongue?" Omi asked.

"We called Kritiker and they're sending someone over to look at it." Ken answered.

"So Aya's calmed down then?" Yohji asked.

"Yeah, he's fine. He let all his aggression out on me. While you two ran up here hiding." Ken snapped. "That was some lovely Christmas spirit there Omi."

"Hey, it's not our fault you were too stupid to run!" Yohji snapped. Then he noticed Omi's computer screen. "Wow, you really were talking to Nagi. I thought you two were still mad at each other."

"I'm still mad at him." Omi said, looking wounded, with big watery eyes. "But it's Christmas and I miss my boyfriend!" And then he started crying and he hugged Yohji, burying his face in Yohji's chest. Yohji looked scared, but he wrapped an arm around Omi comfortingly.

"So why don't you just make up with him?" Yohji asked.

"But…he hated my present. He thought it was a joke. And it was our song."

"I know Omi. But…remember our talk before about Nagi and how some things are just…he's weird?" Yohji paused for a second, trying to think of how to word this. "Nagi's kind of slow. He doesn't understand love."

"He didn't remember our song!"

"Did he know it was your song?"

"It was the first song we ever danced to!" Omi yelled.

"Does Nagi know the rules? Who would have taught him?" Yohji pointed out. "Schuldig? Farfarello?"

"Crawford!" Omi whined.

"He's like forty and he's never been laid. I don't know if he knows the damn rules."

Meanwhile, across town Crawford grabbed at his chest. "Ow, my pride."

"Do you think I should make up with him?" Omi asked.

"Well…it's Christmas. It's a good day to." Yohji noted. "And then you and Nagi can put in a good word about me to Schuldig."

"Alright. I'll let you know if he's crying." Omi said with a slightly evil grin.

MEANWHILE

Crawford entered the Schwarz apartment with his three teammates. He went into his room to change his hamster's water and there were still three teammates. When he got out he was short one Irish psychopath and one German telepath.

"Dammit, where'd they go?" He snapped. Nagi was sitting on the couch with his laptop. He shrugged, not even looking up.

Crawford considered going out to look for them, but mistakenly figured they were together and thusly, would keep each other from doing anything too illegal.

And at least he didn't have to worry about them freezing their tongues to anything since they'd had that answered. Poor Ran.

He sat down on the couch for some peace and quiet, and about twenty minutes later a traumatized looking Schuldig entered.

"Hey Schu-"

"Don't talk to me! I'm gonna die miserable and alone because no one loves me!" Schuldig yelled, and then ran into his room and slammed the door.

Crawford and Nagi sat on the couch, frozen to the spot.

"D'ya think he's got a fever?" Crawford asked.

"What the hell was that? Where was he?!" Nagi exclaimed. "Wait…he was at the Koneko. Omi was hassling him about Yohji having his clothes." Nagi said, looking at his IM conversation with Omi.

"Are you talking with Omi again?"

"No, just online."

Crawford looked very confused. "Isn't that talking?"

"No. It's completely different." Nagi answered flatly. "He still thinks I hate him, and he won't see me."

"But he'll talk-type to you." Crawford corrected himself.

"Yes."

"I'm gonna check on Schuldig." Crawford walked over to Schuldig's bedroom door and knocked hesitantly. "Schuldig? Are you okay?"

"I wanna die!"

"But are you okay?" Crawford asked.

Pause.

"No."

"I got some cyanide for you if you want it! Should be an easy way to go!" Nagi offered.

"Shut up Nagi!" Crawford yelled. Pause. "Schuldig are you crying?"

"No! Maybe! So what if I am? Am I not allowed to have feelings?!"

"Well you've never had them before." Crawford had said entirely the wrong thing. "I give up! Just don't kill yourself, we still need you!"

"Besides I get to kill you! Crawford said I could kill you!" Nagi yelled.

The door slowly creaked open, Farfarello stuck his head in and poked around.

"There's no point in sneaking in. Who did you kill?" Crawford asked.

"I didn't kill anyone." Farf answered.

"So did they run into your knife?" Crawford asked.

"You took my knives, so that would have been pretty hard, wouldn't it?" Farf snapped.

In truth, Farf hadn't killed anyone. Fueled by the chibi's thoughtful holiday present (a nativity set transformed into a chess board) he'd gone out with the intention of having a jolly holiday slaughter, but he'd lost the mood. He'd seen so many couples holding hands and being lovey-dovey that it had made him lonely. He'd passed through the park on the way home and been passed by a horse-drawn carriage with a pair of newlyweds in it. Even the squirrels had been sharing acorns with each other.

He was lonely, and everyone seemed to have someone else.

He'd passed Omi on his way home, so most likely the chibis would be back to romantic bliss in no time, since Nagi was set to apologize and grovel upon sight. Crawford was happily cuddling his new hamster and Schuldig was…miserable.

Farf felt a little bit better, but it wasn't much comfort. He sat on the windowsill and stared up at the night sky. A single tear ran down his cheek as he caught sight of the Christmas star and made a wish.

'Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight. I wish for companionship.'

He wiped the tear, got up, and turned for his room.

CRASH.

The window shattered behind him, and hands closed around his throat.

"Jei, you are SO FREAKING DEAD!!!"

MEANWHILE

Omi had been having a slow walk to the Schwarz apartment, thinking over his situation with Nagi, and by the time he was a street or two away, he really was more than ready to forgive his boyfriend, and pretty sure he maybe loved him. Excited to see him and tell him so, he began running in his haste.

He turned the corner and caught sight of his boyfriend's apartment. Burning.

Omi came to a sudden stop, a look of frozen horror on his face.

There was a sickening creak, a lurch, and the whole building collapsed.

END

A/N we are so sorry for not posting this on Christmas like we promised. See, the thing is that Chikin got a fever (I sound like a goose-Chikin) and she didn't want to sit in the cold basement where the computer is and write. (I got sick on Christmas vacation! God hates me! That's it, I'm joining Farf! -Chikin)

As for that ending…we will be adding onto it of course, just not in the Holiday Special heading. More to come on this in our fic Banned in Boston, we just have to finish up the pre-Christmas story line. By the way, I hope you don't mind original characters. We created a few, and we're doing our best to keep them from being Mary-Sue's. And Gary-Stu's. And Gary-Sue's and Mary-Stu's. Just…be gentle in your reviews.

Happy non denominational winter holiday! - eMu

Happy Chrismahanakwanzikah - Chikin


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